Me, myself, and I
"Guess What, I'm obsessed with waking up to the true self."
Always learning. Always growing. Always amazed. Always searching. Always reflecting. Always feeling. Always looking. Always observing.
"No goals you say?"
I somehow prefer to approach life in this way for the time being. When something have to be done I do it, and when something feels right I do it. In between I do what feels the least wrong :D
I'm in eager search for my unique "service task" (place) - and fulfilment my of heart's and soul's innermost desires - on this spinning globe. To simplify it a notch!
I have spent so many years (most of them actually) with my head in either the future, or the past, with little or no time in the present. Or, "in my head" basically, and not in my heart and in alignment with my soul. Much yang, little yin. Focused on should:s and should not:s, want:s and want not:s, without really knowing who I am, why, and what for..! Like the majority of people I guess, by the way it looks and feels 'out there'.
It took quite some time for me to realise what was and what wasn't my cup of the, and that I my self played a great part in how things looked and felt in my life! And maybe even more years to accept it, brake life-long patterns and habits and actually start to CHANGE, actually listen to my inner promptings, and some further years to find the entrance to my very own path!
Why it took so long?
It was such a convenient way to spend the days - just following the should:s out there, or the steps, advice or recommendations of someone "more experienced". It was so convenient to walk around playing 'clever', and just being yet another cog in the machinery. Convenient, but rather (read: very) unfulfilling and "empty" as it turned out. Or - I certainly knew/felt I was on the "wrong track" for quite some time (always), but -man- the resistance I unknowingly put up towards this fact, as I grew up in very rational circumstances and surroundings, I chose to stay in - out of convenience, and most of all: a massive internal fear.
But, my soul/core/spirit/*name-of-your-own-choosing* got louder and louder about the truth. The so called ever lurking 'anxiety' (inexplicable fear) poking my (un)awareness. It's presence and cryptic messages has been around since I can remember. But I tried my best to ignore it. It (or, myself basically) terrified me. Not until I was about 32 did I have the strength, courage and means to truly face myself, that inner dark place and buried, hidden messages .
This 'Inner Core' of mine is ever thankful and grateful for all the literature out there, that I finally found my way to, and dived into around 2012 - in search for 'real answers' about life. (as all the 'experts' and 'educated people' I have encountered through my life neither seemed to understand my questions, nor to answer them in any comforting, holistic way)
My reading started with Tao Te Ching (a book sort of famous for being hysterically cryptic, abstract and hard - but it pierced my soul and heart immediately), followed by the writings of the great C.G. Jung (writings that stirred all my fears massively for about 2 weeks constantly, before they calmed them).
So, basically, any "goals and plans" that I set in my earlier life/thinking mostly had the tendency to blind me for glorious and un-thought-of things and possibilities happening right outside my (well trained, one-sided, rational ego-centred) focus. So all those lovely, cryptically placed, hints, signs and mirrors held up by the Universe totally passed me by - or was skilfully, through a life-time of training, habitually ignored. If you want some thing you better take care of it your self, right?
By following outside promptings I could ignore that inner chaos, that no one could explain for me. Where did the chaos and feelings come from?
"I have and get everything I want and need, why is there such a turmoil inside?"
"Why does it feel like people are talking to someone right next to me, and not 'me', when they talk to me?"
"Why so much focus on what I/we do, rather than who I am/we are?"
"Why is the day-time experience favoured before night-time experience (dreams) - they feel equally real and important to me?"
No one seemed to think like this in my surroundings, so I decisively (unsuccessfully of course) ignored, buried and distracted myself from it. Instinctively, at the age of 11, knowing that going to a shrink wouldn't help me the least (I asked my mother "how do one know if one are schizophrenic?" and she asked me if I wanted her to call a psychiatrist)
Neither was I drawn at all to any spiritual movement - all to extreme, "spaced out" and not grounded. Merely "the other side of the pendulum". Why I preferred to stay on "the grounded side of it".
But I was always fascinated by the stars, dreams, ancient knowledge, origins, fairy-tales, and so on and so forth.
But anyhow, goals. In a Pedagogy and Leadership course I attended lately I got the assignment to write five of these so called goals. Preferably in a SMART way. (Ugh! ;)) I created and fantasised five rational, measurable, etc., ones for the task at hand (and clearly telling the teacher that I made them up!), but I also thought a little about how to formulate goals feeling closer to my core. They went something like this:
"Make the best of every available NOW, for the highest good of all concerned."
"Live a life in connection with the universe and my soul/core/spirit/*name-of-your-own-choosing*"
"Being/becoming the best possible version of myself"
"Live in balance/control of my own energy - my actions, my reactions, my attitude, my health"
"Being grateful, learn, LAUGH and ENJOY life!"
I feel like an object and a subject in a continuous play. An actor, crew and at the same time a viewer in the greatest of productions: Life. Directed, written and produced by Nature/Universe/?. The manuscript is quite complex, and seems to be a living thing itself. Most of the setting is and will always be Unknown.
Always on stage, always the feeling of being monitored - by some Great Game Leader.
Role Character(s) - General Description
Individual, yet universal. Open, yet closed.
Explorer, and investigator. Observer and observed. Receiver, and refiner. Servant, and leader.
Humans are so small.
But speckles of dust in the Universe.
In, but at the same time made of, the Universe.
I have the greatest respect for this fact.
An awe that sometimes turn my mind inside out and make me breathless.
I't easy to feel dumb and small in this context!
"A human being is part of a whole called by us the universe."
* Albert Einstein *
I have broad shoulders, a wide but flat chest, very long arms, very long slim fingers, strong and fast growing nails, big flat feet and 2 uteruses - but no particular interest to produce any children of my own.
So, symbolically it seems as if I am built to carry something (broad shoulders), to grasp something large (very long arms) - or climb something perhaps (as long arms are considered quite advantageous for climbing). I seem created to grab and/or hold something large with my large hands. And what about the 2 uteruses?! Birth and re-birth? Receptivity of the charts?
For nature to know, for me to find out.
"Judge me by my size, do you?"
* Yoda *
I was, in my former years, hypersensitive to (for example) cats, apples, tomatoes and sunlight in varying years between 1994~2013. Now those "allergies" are 'miraculously' gone. Now I continuously work on eliminating causes to imbalances, sensitivities, likes-dislikes to different things by "working through it via symbol-meaning-message". To - once again - sum it up nice and easy.
(For example I got rid of my cat allergies by working with my sense of Integrity and personal bounderies)
Nature/the unconscious/the Universe "speaks" through situations, incidents, accidents, symbols and (allergic, for example) reactions (at least that's my perception) - in me, and around me - urging me to feel, sense, listen, look, learn, and reveal hidden knowledge, signs and information - and process it. I believe that our surroundings are mirrors to us, reflecting exactly what we need to know in any given moment.
It was not Nature's intention for me to take (human made) chemical pills to curb severe 'panic attacks' and 'anxiety' (nothing but natural inner reactions - unexamined inner fear - faulty thinking). I have indeed always perceived these inner reactions to be natural expressions. Uncomfortable yes, but natural, and there for a reason.
I could feel they were warnings - not faults. Messages, that turned out to be parts of an inner GPS. Indicators, just like the indicators in the car. Escalating when not heeded. Not "faults in the brain" (as one doctor/professor/expert nicely explained it, and tried to convince me about...) to be patched.
Anxiety was/is (in my case) basically a sort of obnoxious travel companion :)
But also, sometimes life's just naturally frightening. Like birth must be quite agonising for the new-born - and cause panic. Leaving the womb of a nice secure place. Agonising - but perfectly natural.
It's not a far-fetched thought that necessary 're-births' equally naturally feel agonising :)
Once again it's about leaving the womb of a safe, convenient and secure place. It will always feel a little agonising leaving such places I assume - still it has to be left, for something new to come.
My perception and conviction is that the built in GPS shows the most advantageous and optimal way to a 'hidden destination' programmed by Nature - suited to your very personal physical, psychological and spiritual configuration, also created by 'nature'. You can like it or not, but that's the way it is(?) You can try to choose your own path(s) - it can work out. Perhaps, if you've chosen a somewhat equally good (hence "allowed") route. But my conviction is that it can never be "better" than the predetermined one.
Seen from an universal perspective - which can never be grasped and fully understood.
The inner GPS seems to tell when a side track is entered. My earlier attitude and rationally planned destination was clearly not the one the Universe had in mind for me. My rational, 'sensible' choice of way and living pre 2013 apparently interfered with something way out of my grasp.
"Make a U-turn when possible" my inner promptings repeated to me.
"You are going in wrong direction! You should do something else with that body and mind hand-picked for you, you imbecile! Raise to the occasion - do what you're meant to do! Stop following others - cut the cord already, and get into that unknown darkness, hunt and find new paths! Check your dreams (tomato-sensitivity). Reflect, learn, evolve, and take responsibility for the life and accompanied tasks you are given (apple-sensitivity)!
GET THE LIGHTS ON (sun-allergy) God damnit!"
Today I can come to no other conclusion than the answers I got from the "science/pill-experts" was based on knowledge belonging to the scientific 4% - with my internal and external reactions, questions, and life path being outside the same. Hence, the pills I was convinced to eat (man the 'side-effects' and then the expert-resistance when I soon stopped...) was like using a patch on wounds coming from badly fitting shoes - but still continue to use the same ill-fitting shoes..! Or putting a bit of tape on the blinking indicator in the car's display that tells you that the engine is about to blow up!! It just doesn't really take care of the problem - only (one of) the symptoms!
Of course Nature raised the inner pressure even more when I tried that short-cut (pills).
"You Are Still Not Listening!!!"
Nature isn't broken. Nature's not wrong. Nature's not failing us - rather, we are failing nature! 'We' often try to take convenient short cuts and ignorant (e.g. rational or emotional) ways.
And when Nature 'fails' I am rather convinced that it's trying to teach us something.
And - it's only when Nature behaves in ways not suiting us we call it failure.
Just like we (generally) only go to the doctors when we feel uncontrollably/uncontrollably 'bad/sad' - not when we feel uncontrollably good/happy!
The "faults" in the brain seen in the microscope aren't causes for us to eliminate or fix - they are reactions/symptoms to seriously consider (of you ask me).
Which is part of my life calling to do.
The Ego: "but the shoes looks so good... I want to use them. And I want to go wherever I want to, whenever I want to, as fast as I can, in them..."
"But they don't fit you!!!"
So, I can choose to either see my (sometimes severe) anxiety as a curse (if I turn on my egoistic perspective), or I can see it as a useful tool helping me finding my pre-programmed path (from a perspective greater then I can comprehend) - which will actually lead to/create the harmony I've always yearned for. Maybe not the path I (thought I) WANT(ed) to go - but certainly the 'end result' I want!
Anxiety seems to be a inbuilt property/reaction of mine(?) - there for a reason. Whether I like it or not. Whether I understand it (yet) or not.
Or, as Wayne Dyer writes: there's no such thing as anxiety, only anxious/fearful thoughts/thinking.
Either way, never will, never have I labelled anxiety a sickness, a diagnose or a defect. Just like I don't label my 'quickness' or 'cleverness' as a sickness or a defect - even though it sometimes turns out badly when its activated..!
Just like I don't label my nose sensitivity a sickness - even though I would prefer not to smell some smelly things so strongly, even from far away!
Depression is no more a sickness than 'extreme happiness' (if you ask me).
Of course it's nicer being happy, but all imbalance is - imbalanced!
But few people see things this way.
Some innate properties are more complicated to accept and control than others. Some are easier to make peace with than others. That's life. Funny or not!
With life comes responsibility for it.
... Know where your bliss is. And that involves coming down to a deep place in yourself."
* Joseph Campbell, The Hero's Journey *
The Universe/Nature/Unconscious mostly give me dreams filled with feelings, attitudes and situations/people/things that I will experience during the upcoming day (but sometimes week(s) ahead) - I get some sort of heads up or preparatory information. This helps and teaches me how, when and where to grow and heal - in the very present. My dreams (night reality) and my (day) reality (including Tarot cards, and horoscope, and I Ching coins) are interwoven in the most masterly way - obvious once I started paying attention, play and work with it.
The way of/together with Nature/the universe/unconscious has proven far more efficient in search of fulfilment and satisfaction for me, than the way of the 'Ego' ever was. Less shiny prices, but greater inner achievements and satisfaction (harmony). Less (momentary) pleasure, but more (long term) contentment. And far more joy and laughter!!
"We must let go of the life we have planned,
so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."
The Ego (Inner Rational Controller) had at first no interest in slowing down and/or leaving the rudder, but slowly and steadily shoulders the role of being the executor, and not the captain, of the ship.
And boy have I been frightened all my life. It is also one of the few nightmares I've had in my life: a dream involving a large scary rabbit (symbol of fear) with huge tusks.
"If you end your training now - if you choose the quick and easy path as Vader did - you will become an agent of evil."
* Yoda *
"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
* Albert Einstein *
I think everything has its place and reason, even if sometimes (oftentimes) beyond our control and understanding.
Me not understanding ≠ not important/wrong/bad.
Me not understanding = me have to learn.
"Patience you must have have my young padawan"
* Yoda *
Why did that apple fall on Mr Isaac Newton's head in particular?
Pomegranate red Audi.
In the generally accepted man made system, anno 2006, European-Western version:
Master of Science in Mechanical Engineering, specialised in optimisation.
"Education is not the learning of facts, it's rather the training of the mind to think."
* Albert Einstein *
Stamped with "logic of the charts" in some kind of formal personality/logic test many, many years ago. For better or (feeling of) worse - the logic very often runs so very much faster than the rest of me, seeing/connecting things my ego don't understand or can get a hold on until much (work) later.
'From a drop of water, a logician could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having seen or heard of one or the other'
* Sherlock Holmes - A Study in Scarlet *
Formal education commenced 2018: Hovformsspecialist
Formal (CSN entitled) Education commenced 2019: brukshästkusk
Tasks in the Production of Life
"Suddenly I found myself completely isolated. This, however disadvantageous it may have been, had also an advantage for me as an introvert; that is it encouraged the vertical movement of the libido. Cut of from the horizontal movement which activity in the outside world bring, I was driven to investigate fully the things within myself."
"As soon as one begins to watch one's mind, one begins to observe the autonomous phenomena in which one exist as a spectator, or even as a victim. It is very much as if one stepped out of the protection of his house into an antediluvian forest and was confronted by all the monsters that inhabit the latter. One is naturally a little reluctant to reverse the machinery and get into this situation. It is as though one gave up one's freedom of will and offered oneself up as a victim, for with this reversal of machinery, an entirely different attitude from that of directed thinking grows up. One is swept into the unknown of this world, not just into a psychological function. In a way the collective unconscious is a mirage because unconscious, but it can be also just as real as the tangible world. I can say this is so, this thing I am experiencing, but it does no good. One must be willing to accept the reality for the time being, to risk going a long way with the unconscious in other words.
* C.G. Jung *
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."
* Frodo, Lord of the Rings *
特蕾丝 泰蕾兹 金透翰