Mysteries in the Darkness

For now I will only share my early dream, evening and night experiences. Not anything from my living and expansive dream collection.

I was absurdly afraid of darkness, and of anything psychological (especially schizophrenia), death, and night-time, when I was a child.
        I was about 15 when I was home alone for the first time. A dear friend of mine had to walk through every inch of the house with me before she went home after our evening play date. Then I turned on the stereo (loudly) with a Metallica CD in the player in an adjacent room, and I "slept" in the sofa in front of the TV (Friends playing, as usual). Lights lit in all rooms in my view. Staying in the basement, hidden from all windows. As the dawn - slowly - came closer, I decreased the volume of the music (of course with remote control, to stay away from the windows). Thankfully it was summer, and the night was short!
       Going home from same mentioned dear friend was also insanely scary. 200 meters of increasing anxiety. Through a grove - with fairly scattered trees. Despite the short way, with streetlights all the way, I always took my bike. Going home, my friend had to stand in the door while I unlocked the bike and got on my way. 'Finally' (~15 seconds later) home, I wanted to get rid of the bike as quickly as I could to run in. It was pure death anxiety to pause for a second and lock the bike, or take it 'all the way' to the backside, going through the half darkness between the house and garage. 

But I had no problems what so ever to ride through totally pitch dark forests with my horse. 

I really didn't like creepy Alice in Wonderland, but was fascinated by Grimm. Did not like dumb Winnie the Pooh, but loved the Black Stallion.

The nights were not scary because of nightmares, I had very few of them. Instead, it was that I (still do) wake up often during the night, and (back then) sort of found it extremely frightening to be the only one awake. (I did not see it this way then, of course - then I was just inexplicable afraid). 

I called out loud to my parents, but it was never especially calming - whether they came and stayed in my room, or came and went back to their own beds. I got alarmingly frightened again as soon as they fell asleep, even if they were in my room.
    This from the age of 4-5, or from the time when an "I" started do develop.

It was a bone marrow deep fear, not to be explained.

I have Chiron in my 8th natal house, opposing Mercury, squaring my nodes. Hence, terrified, but by birth obliged to explore this.
Took me 34 years to realise it. 
34 years of collecting courage and knowledge to to be able to do it.

The strongest version possible of exactly that fear came back to me when I started reading C.G. Jung - about the unconscious, the psyche, neurosis. At first.
      After a week or so being in that constant horrible fear, and with no footing at all, I was over the threshold and - on my way home at last!!

I had only 2 kinds of scary recurring dreams.

The first kind was that I was chased. Not by any scary animal, or killer, or by the look of it, scary. I was chased by my father. Not with any weapon or in any scary way as I mentioned, just chased me to catch me, and for some unclear reason this was frustrating. "Just leave me alone, god damn it". I tried to get away, and hide.

I have an exalted Mars in my 4th natal house - "the House of the Father" - opposing my natal Moon, in conjunct with DC. Although in trine with my Venus it is a weakened Venus.

The second kind of scary dream was the kind were nothing really happens, but you are filled with horror. That was by far the worst experience. Lying in bed, knowing it is a dream. Wanting, but not being able to, wake up. Lying in bed, in the very room you lay in for real, with nothing happening. Staring with fear to the door. Not afraid of anything particular, just filled with horror wanting to wake up. Sometimes waking up, but just to another dream. Like when you see a picture of a TV, a TV showing a TV, showing av TV, showing a TV, and so on.

Horror to close your eyes, horror to lie awake - according the fore mentioned reason.

My natal Neptune is in opposition with my Moon,
trining the underworld God Pluto.

Both this kinds of dreams ebbed out, and almost stopped around the age of 20 maybe. By then I had run far, far into the rational world. Far away from the inexplicable, the unconscious ocean, the hidden. Trying to protect myself. Ironically: from myself.

Of course, Nature followed me intently, increasing my already severe anxiety, until I couldn't take it anymore, and turned around and faced myself. Approximately March 2012.


It wasn't until 2015 (when I started reading Jung and record my dreams) that I had one of those bone marrow scary "nothing-happening-dreams" again - and for the first time actually thought "now it will come something through that door, and it is time to face it". And I did.
     To be told some other time. You have to put in some cliff-hangers, huh?

My mother basically didn't appear in my dreams at all, until 2015. That after a lovely once in a lifetime one-on-one trip with her to London, and after I had started my dive in the unconscious through the Jung books.  

My natal Moon (mother/intuition) is surfing quite alone in the 9th house.
8 of the 10 "basic points/planets" are in the 1st 3 houses in the 1st quadrant. 1 in 4th house (Mars mentioned above).
My Venus, although at home in Libra, is placed at the malicious last grade (eg: I have 2 uteruses - which have brought me quite some challenges). 

I also had 2 kinds of recurring annoying dreams. 

Firstly: aquarium fish. (Also, I had an aquarium almost all my childhood.)
The plot was mostly that the fish escaped. Or - they floated away from the aquarium. If the protecting glass-plates weren't on the aquarium the fish floated away. Swimmed away out in the air. It panicked me, and I wanted to put them back. That was the most common version. But sometimes I found dried up fish on the floor beneath the aquarium, to my sadness and feeling of neglect and/or failure. More rarely I found my fish floating in the garden, hoovering over mother's flowerbeds like butterflies. I tried to capture them with butterfly net, so I could return them to their tanks.

      Also this dreams ebbed out, but have made somewhat of a comeback. I dream of aquarium fish now and then now, but now with other themes and plots.

Secondly: failed calling.
I so often failed to dial numbers. In the beginning it was that old kind of phone, with revolving plate. But my unconscious adapted, and updated the symbol. From the revolving plate, to buttons, to mobile, to smartphone. 

     So, by the mention of "smartphone" I have revealed that this kind of dream still appears, but it is decreasing, as I am starting to understand myself and finding my own way - my desire to "call others for help" lessen.

I Remember only one specifically scary one-time-dream. Involving a rabbit we had at the time. In the dream I saw that she had escaped her cage and was out on the lawn. I tried to yell it out to my mother in the adjacent room - of course I didn't manage. I went out to the lawn. The rabbit grew big, and got enormous teeth, and looked frightening. I tried screaming for help - couldn't - I tried to run away - couldn't.
   Again, I had vague connection with my intuition/moon/mother. Choosing the rational instead. And - extremely frightened.  Especially for my own fears (the rabbit symbol).

I had only one specific recurring dream - that is, looking the same every time. I think I had it maybe only 3 times or so, and it was a very short one, but it was the same. Unfortunately I don't remember it in detail. But it was a dream were I was myself. I don't think it was me as a child, more a feeling of it being sometime in the future. "In the end". I was walking alone, sort of with the "feeling of sunset". Heading towards a beach of some kind. With a shovel and I think a bag made of cloth. The only thing that is really clear about the dream is that I had to go and dig a hole in the sand. Specifically a triangular hole. Not triangular from above, but from the side. Pretty much like the water jump hole in athletics. I never got to dig it though, I woke up before I reached the sand even, but I remember distinctly the mission and assignment to dig that specific hole. No clue way.

That's All for now Folks.