7 of Wands, Light Grey Tarot

03.04.2020

From The Light Grey Tarot.
Theme: 'collaboration with neutrality' (it's collaboration deck, and grey is a "neutral colour")

Card: Seven of Wands
Reversed: "indecision, overwhelmed, retreat. Opportunities loss through hesitation; choices made through the criticism of others."

A quite insecure little fellow that beaver?

________

Indeed, I'm feeling highly insecure and overwhelmed at the moment.
Dreams coming true - fears running high.
I believe it all to be a school book example of the Upper Limit Problem - defined and written about so lovely by Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap, which I begun re-listening to the other day.

I have the greatest difficulty to allow myself to enjoy my life, and all the great things that happens. (But instead of engaging in the fear - like when I was younger - I know everything is in perfect order, and that I'm in the middle of a major transformation process, which I've been pushing myself towards very consciously - although not knowing how or when the process would really kick off, which is now)
I have great troubles feeling I'm worth it, and instead it rapidly grows overwhelming fears of not being strong enough to make it.
It connects with the Vampyre card the other day - and the 'fake fight', to hide the real cause: the fortress. 

The second I signed the house papers my Upper Limit knocked me over - it (quite literally) knocked me unconscious..! In one second all the self-confidence I thought I had built the last 8 years dropped to my soles. In the blink of an eye all that intuitively had felt so indescribably right and easy flipped. 
Not at first. Because days after the signature I went away for a week. A journey that in some sense kept me busy while, underneath, all this insecurity and fear built up, only to be released when I returned back home. I tried to pretend it wasn't there. I tried to act on my earlier security. "I know it's right - the fear isn't real". I covered the fear up with "planning".
I turned "sick". 

But not all denial. Not all "just ego".
There was something more to it.
There where (are) so many strange feelings boiling. Some really old ones - not felt for a long time - but also some new. I'm filled to the brim with all kinds of fears. Very few of them connecting to the common one - The Corona.
But it's a "funny coincidence" that my Fear Peak matches that of the world!
Which makes it easier to accept my own situation - it's really in sync with everything else that's happening - everything is exactly as it should be (no matter how uncomfortable) :)

And - to accentuate the timing of my own fear - the new horse I've bought (as horses are not allowed to live alone - and I only had one) is incredibly sensitive, and insanely reactive to all kinds of sounds and movements..! This is my 11th (eleventh) horse, and I've never had a horse this sensitive before. Rarely even met one.
He's super curious - but super spooky. He's the one that comes to meet me first of them in the pasture, but he always stops a half meter before he reaches me, with ears pinned positively forward. 
He shook out of fear the first 10 hours when I had them enclosed, to get to know each other. He was terrified of all new sounds, smells, things. Terrified, shaking, but totally soft and with ears fixated in a curious forward position. He so kindly lifted he's heavily shaking hind legs so I could pull his studded shoes. 
Just like me at the moment - putting up a facade, 'playing it cool', pretending to be in some control, always having an insatiable curiosity for more knowledge although it scares the shit out of me and makes me tremble with fear. 

_____

Well out in the pasture all fears where let loose. And the weather wasn't helping! Storm and rain. He was terrified of all sounds. Afraid of putting he's head in a bucket, or of anything that even mildly hide his sight. And so on.

____

First I was rather convinced it was only the 'planning ego stuff' (now it's me again - not the horse!).
Then I thought it was a case of 'fears that needs to be accepted'. 
Some where - some where not.
Some where fears - mostly in the form of 'worries'. 

In Upper Limit terms I'm a not so proud carrier of limit "Barrier" 2 and 3.

2: Disloyalty and Abandonment

3: Being a Burden

________

2
"Fear of being disloyal to or leaving behind people who have been there for us in the past. We pull back from greater success because we fear we'll end up all alone, abandon our roots, and leave behind people whom we love or care for." (forbes)
Afraid of enjoying my life and current achievements because they  will "cause me to end up all alone, be disloyal to my roots, and leave behind people from my past."

2
Afraid of reaching for and enjoying my life achievements because a worry (fear) of  "I'd be an even bigger burden than I am now." 

These 'barriers', being my Upper Limit problems keep me from entering my "zone of genius" - and stuck in the lower zones.

"Human beings are only at their happiest and most productive when they are drawing on their unique abilities, what I call the Zone of Genius. Your activities in this zone are the things you most love to do and the things that bring you most abundance and satisfaction per time spent."

"Ultimately I want to see people I work with spending 90% of their time in their Zone of Genius, but you've got to start somewhere and my recommendation is to start with ten minutes a day." (forbes)

Man how I wish to be in my Zone of Genius.
Man how I wish to FIND my Zone of Genius! (my so called 'calling', 'life purpose')

The other Zones being the zones of:

Incompetence (You suck at the task. Many people can do it better than you)
Competence (You're alright, but lots of others cope better) 
Excellence (You're highly skilled and few can hold a candle to you)
(link)

Honestly, I don't think I've ever been in a higher zone than 'competence' - maybe sniffed on Excellence once or twice.

But, the place to be is:

Zone of Genius - where "You're literally the best in the world at it."

I'm not there, and don't know what it is, but I think my Zone of Genius will include me doing a mix of things.
I won't be 'the best in the world' in the things respectively - but in the way I combine them.
Which are those things then?
Don't know :)
But I'm about to find out - with my insatiable curiosity and thirst for development and personal growth!

_______

Anyhow - I associate this fear, and my 'barriers' to the text "Opportunities loss through hesitation" in the card. I most certainly have the opportunity to be happy and content, but I let my hesitation (fear, insecurity) hinder (limit) me.
And, I've certainly "choices made through the criticism of others." Not literally criticism - but rather, "in fear of being disloyal" (in fear of disappointing - "being a disappointment". As when you hear the voice of disappointment, it feels like criticism.). And also I've made choices from the frightened place of "If I don't do this I might not get excepted", and "I might end up alone".

And on the theme - 'neutral collaboration'.
"When it's hard to stay positive - stay neutral"!

Today one of my cats came into the house with a new kind of prey/trophy - a little bunny hare...
Heartbreaking - but symbolically a 'killing of fear'!? Rabbit being a symbol of fear in my personal language (and a dream of a rabbit with fangs being one of my few nightmares in life).

Further, tonight the wind has settled in my neighbourhood, and the new lovely sensitive horse dared put his head in a bucket and eat, and he loved when I scratched his neck!

We will grow brave and secure together! :)

______

Now I will go out in the dark fields and say good night to my horsey friends - something that would have been rather unthinkable 20 years ago.
So, many fears I have surmounted already - and many more will be added to that group of considerable size!