C4 + Trust & Forgiveness, Legacy of the Divine + Intuitive Life
Yet another day with Card Sampler:s - as all my decks are neatly packed in moving boxes for the moment!
But the advice is as spot on as usual anyway - of course.
It's rather interesting. I thought I was relaxed and in trust. That I was a detached witness. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. Anyhow. Something peculiar 'happened' when I "sealed the deal" - when I signed my name on the house papers.
My guard was down, and my confidence went down the drains when I alone entered the big empty house. What in the world have I done?! So much left to do before I can take horses there - and a very much "unknown future" knocked me (mentally) down. Things I felt totally comfortable and secure with before signing the papers - but certainly not after! I soon realised that I had disconnected from "the trust" (myself and the universe) quite some time before - it just took the Name Signing to fully reveal it.
I hinted at it yesterday. Thinking.
Thinking and (rational and wishful) planning where set in motion before the signing, but took its toll afterwards.
I was NOT in the NOW ("Enjoy Life" mood) when I wrote my name - I was in some wishful future manifestation mood. I had (mentally) set up dates, plans and wishes. My Ego had (once again) slowly sneaked in, and slowly carved the connection to 'the source' - and replaced 'the trust' with it's own "common sense plans" and personal agendas.
As mentioned yesterday, they where presented as "no biggies, you don't have to do all this I sssssay, I'm just suggessssting." Whispering in a soft and hypnotic way. Like the snakes in cartoon movies - Robin Hood, The Jungle Book, and so on.
So when I went to the empty house that first time as 'the owner' (as if you can actually 'own' anything...) I felt really lonely. That kind of loneliness I grew up with, and lived with until about 4-5 years ago.
That awful feeling of disconnectedness from the universe. With the guard down, and the connection carved broken by the ego, the 'gates to hell' opened. The gates to that highly uncomfortable 'karmic terror' I'm born with some kind of connection to. That Collective part of mine Pain Body - that I feel to be a rather large portion of my pain body - for some karmic reason or another. (I believe it has a connection to Collective Shadow Work, which I think is a part of my future calling - when I'm enough strong and stable in my own personal shadow work).
That Karmic Terror is so far beyond 'ordinary fear' - the fear of the Ego, or some 'inherited fear' from parents and such.
It's a kind of fear rather like the feeling you have when you for example totally lose control over your car. When you suddenly hit upon a icy part of the road, or experience severe aquaplaning. Your limbs become paralysed, your blood seems to drop to your toes, and a tidal wave of fear (terror) rise in your body.
In the car you know why all this happens, and it fades away the moment 'the incident is over'.
In my case there's no immediate 'incident', and it doesn't fade away. It clings.
In this particular case there's some sort of "cause" to it. But it is NOT the "you just have a lot on your plate now". I repeat: it's NOT the outer circumstances that causes it.
It's the inner imbalance and disconnection.
The imbalance and disconnection make me susceptible to the 'karmic terror'. It awakens the dormant Collective Pain Body. It opens the gates to hell.
I have hated these gates all my life.
There have been many times when I have went to bed rather calm and happy, only to wake up in this terror from nowhere. I never new when it would overcome me.
The fear of the gates' 'erratic opening' have made it impossible for me to truly feel happy all my life. Because I knew these gates could open anytime, anyplace.
And I knew they opened if I was afraid - why I felt I had to avoid anything that scared me.
But I have always somehow known that there's nothing wrong with me. Although it didn't seem 'normal' (happening to anyone else), I have always knew there's some purpose with it all.
But I have always had a hard time to accept it - mostly because I never knew it's purpose.
Now I realise that I will not know it's purpose until I accept it :)
So - I sense that is my primary mission now. Accept "what I have" (1st card), where I Am - The Now. Not on "how I would like it to be".
That is, NOT forcing ahead with my new house - where my Ego wants to dwell.
My Ego has been manageable and rather quiet for quite some time know, but this whole house thing really got it going! It's so easy for it to find excuses for focusing on outside stuff when there's so much outside stuff to do...!
All this is backed up by the fact that my body is pretty much out of order. There are pains and strains (resistance) everywhere in it, dizziness, brain fatigue, and so on and so forth. The Universe makes it plain and clear that it's the inside I should work with now.
Get back into TRUST in the Present.