Eight of Pentacles + Six of Pentacles, Fire + Alchemy England 1977

09.05.2020

Themes: "inner fire" + "dark forces pulling"

CARDS
Fire Tarot: Eight of Pentacles
"Hephaestus creates thunderbolt for Zeus. Through work we can bridle energy and channel it stably." On and on and on, even when times feel rough, while keep on giving (without giving "all" away/losing yourself) - and the Inner Fire grows.
Alchemy England 1977: Six of Pentacles
"philanthropy (the desire to promote the welfare of others), kindness, charity"

***

I'm certainly having some troubles "bridle energy and channel it stably". In my life in general, now in particular. Or rather, I'm often able to channel it into work - but at the expense of the Inner Fire. I guess I quench the energy rather then bridle it?
Because the head, with all it's plans, expectations, wishes and wants gets in the way.
I love to work - and to give, to be kind and think of others, but my Ego has great troubles doing it without "recognition". It craves appreciation - and that not so much for what it does, but for me being me. 
When my "acts of kindness" don't get appropriately (according to the Ego's wants and wishes) recognised and/or receives explicit appreciation my Ego feels devastated - useless, unloved, unseen, unwanted. And, man, that's crappy feelings! My Ego gets immediately and totally dragged down into the darkness.

For the greater part of my life - in lack of understanding - I believed feelings like this. A choice which made much of my Life a living hell. An endless wandering in dark lonely frightening hallways. 
And, admittedly, I hoped I wouldn't have to face the depth of these kind of feelings again - but of course the Universe had other plans!
Now the feelings are here. All over the place (body). 
The Point of No Return.

"No use resisting
Abandon thought and let the dream descend
What raging fire shall flood the soul?
What rich desire unlocks its door?

Past the point of no return
The final threshold?
What warm, unspoken secrets will we learn
Beyond the point of no return?

"You have brought me
To that moment where words run dry
To that moment where speech disappears into silence
Silence
I have come here
Hardly knowing the reason why
In my mind I've already imagined our bodies entwining, defenceless and silent"

"Past the point of no return

The final threshold
The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn

***

The feelings are as uncomfortable as ever and as I remember them (last truly felt about 8-10 years ago) - but now I know they're not "true". 
The feelings are of course true in the sense that they're there (here) - but not the interpretations that the much of the head and Ego has about them. 
But, no matter how much "understanding" I have, the amount of feelings and thoughts are right on the edge of what I'm able to handle ("bridle and channel"). I feel rather overwhelmed (swallowed) by the current Life Challenge the Universe has placed at my feet.
At least that's the feeling - but most probably the challenge is perfectly sized!

Overwhelming mainly because the Ego has hundreds of wishes and wants regarding results and outcomes and ideas about what should and shouldn't happen. 

All I can - and should/must - do is to let all feelings just be there. Let them be there, and don't get caught in the head's monologues about what's happening and what it wants to happen. Let them be there, and don't judge them. Accept them, feel them. It's them that needs recognition and appreciation - from me "in there" - not my 'acts of kindness', from someone else "out there".
It's not easy work, but someone's got to do it!
And that someone is me.

I need to give myself the Love I think I need to explicitly give to or receive from others - to build up the Authentic Power and Inner Fire to fulfil the calling and "desire to promote the welfare of others".