Five of Wands + The Emperor, Bosch + Motherpeace


Today the image catches my eye.
I see a self-blaming dejected person overwhelmed by his feelings (pool) about to beat himself up - no one else, as the other wands rest peacefully. Or - the person has a collection of spiked clubs to beat himself up with, for this or that reason.
A stern person oversees it, not looking eager to intervene, arms - and legs - crossed. Does he think that it's the creatures own responsibility to "clean his act/shit up" or does he think that the weak sorry creature should and might as well beat himself up?

This is me. Beating myself up for most of the things I say and do - before as well as after. I frequently assume that I say and do wrong, I frequently feel lousy, useless and unwanted - I'm highly insecure. I beat myself up also for that. I hate feeling insecure and unwanted, I know "I shouldn't feel that way". I have a hard time "enjoying the bath".
I have really high demands on myself. Thinking that I'm "enlightened and awakened enough to know how and what to do or say". I "should be spiritual by now". 
My overbearing Ego keeps watch 24/7, and puts everything I say and do under the magnifying glass. Before and after. Blaming me for "unwanted results" - and I beat myself up. The Ego doesn't enjoy - or even see - what it already have. There's a laden table behind the back of The Emperor. There's always some words or actions to scrutinise. 


Themes: "skewed perspectives" (because of over-analysing and ending up in pointless self-blaming) + staying strong in your womanhood/femininity (I would probably do better with a more intuitive, forgiving and "motherly" leadership, than that overbearing patriarch :) )

Bosch: Five of Wands - The elder
"To watch oneself carefully. To do and repeat every day as to improve oneself." Maybe this specific version of watching isn't the best.
Motherpeace Round Tarot: The Emperor
"Symbolizing dominion and dictatorship, the Emperor is the sky god, the boss, the patriarch using intellect to accomplish his goals and force to carry out his demands. He represents the dangers of unrestrained power and private ownership: Zeus the angry thunder god and Jehovah the jealous father."


"The Emperor reflects a system bound by rules and regulations. You create law and order by applying principles or guidelines to a specific situation. Create calm out of chaos by breaking down any problem into its parts and then mapping out the actions you need to take to resolve it. Be systematic, strategic and highly organised in your approach, and stick to your plan until the end." (biddy)
Maybe this approach isn't in my best interest?
Maybe it's time for change?

"staying strong in your womanhood/femininity"

We have just had the Summer Solstice. A new moon and a Solar Eclipse (accompanied by the North node, and Vesta close by) - right beside my natal Moon. This beside all that I've already written about the "feminine intensity" which now prevails in the sky.