Four of Cups + The Hanged Man, Secret + Hermetic

17.05.2021

Theme: "secrets are revealed for the trained eye, the intuitive and the open mind" + "Abstract, complex - beyond comprehension (for the time being)"

Looking at the images today.
I'm all worn out because of the wall he has built around himself - keeping everything tightly secret - and refuses to take down, consciously. It's literally impossible to communicate with him, regarding anything "real" - related to his feelings and thoughts about life. Hence, impossible to talk about "the relationship" - whatever label this relationship has.
I'm "dying to communicate" with him, but mostly refrain from trying - knowing the futility of it.
But yesterday I felt like being "forced" into it (a "enforced sacrifice"). The whole situation had built up into it. Such an obvious subject had come to the fore, once again of his own making - unbeknownst to him, probably arranged by either his subconscious, or his soul, or both.
As usual it was an awful "conversation", draining me out somewhat and leaving me with more questions than before..!
But instead of panicking out, wondering "what I've done" or wanting to push even more for "answers/results", like I would've in my earlier years (or even last year...!) I felt rather calm inside. Like knowing it was this "forced sacrifice", and even "a gift" - the hand with the cup from the hidden. A gift far beyond comprehension.
Maybe the "totally useless conversation" will bring about something wonderful - eventually?
It often does. When I manage to just leave the conversation in the past, considering it being over (although the head considers it far from done, as it had no conclusions...!) - and leave the development, process and outcome in the hands of the universe (and him). Leave it to them to do whatever they want with it, no matter the feeling of "hanging loose" (The Hanged Man, suspended in the air).
And just continue minding my own business, living (enjoying) my own life - and not pinning my happiness on/to him.

***

THE CARDS
Secret Tarot: Four of Cups (R)
The Ego feels - wants to feel - like this, but the calmness from the soul and my true self is rather palpable, so I know it's a transient feeling.
Why the rather unusual interpretation "wonderful souvenir" feels rather suiting! The "awful conversation" is a matter of the past, and I will probably rather soon consider it more of a "wonderful souvenir" - a valuable keepsake from my life journey. As it probably will generate something very good - if not for him or the relationship, it will for my own development.
Hermetic Tarot: The Hanged Man - Spirit of the Mighty Waters
"Enforced sacrifice, Punishment. Loss. Suffering." Aside from above described, I "suffer" from what I'm feeling "forced to do". Part of me is afraid of loosing something. And I know he feels like I'm punishing him - as he is rather incapable of thinking in terms of "consequences of actions/behavior", and as he (apparently) isn't even (or pretends not to be) aware of what he says and does, and therefore thoroughly dislikes and freezes when I ask about it.

***

The Biddy Card of the Week ("beginning" today" - but I saw it already yesterday as she lives on the other side of the globe) is Seven of Swords reversed, so it's fitting that the week starts off with this kind of challenge - involving deceit/lies, wanting to know the truth, and keeping true to myself. 

"...the Seven of Swords reversed can suggest that you are deceiving yourself, trying to trick yourself into believing something even though it is out of integrity with your true self. You may attempt to fool yourself that everything is okay when it is not. Now is the time to get real with where you are and confront your situation head-on." (biddy)

It's all lining up so well, that I feel a strange kind of excitement bubbling in me, despite the "conflicts and entanglements" on the outside!