Four of Skulls, Vampyres Tarot

30.03.2020

Theme: energy drainage

Something's sapping my energy. 

"We create this creature out of our own doubts or fears." (dreamhawk)

My own doubts and fears are - because never can anything outside me do it. It might feel like it's coming from outside - but it is me letting it sap me. It's me letting someone or something - or many things - outside of me sapping my energy. Nothing outside of me can sap my energy unless I let it.

In my case it is most certainly about giving the outside world more focus than my inside world. And/or when I give my thoughts more of my attention than my feelings.
When I chose to invest my energy more in the impermanent than the permanent. 
I've done this for quite some time now - that's for sure.
My body tells it in plain language.

But it's a track (ditch!) that I have wandered on (in) for SO many miles and years of my life, so when I truly fall into it again it feels almost impossible to get out of it again. It feels like a total system lock-down. My ego has raised such a strong defence wall made of thoughts in front of my heart and my feelings. The pain in my whole chest part is very noticeable and highly unpleasant. Pains of kinds I have never encountered before. And my heart beats in an equally uncomfortable way as my body tries to fight symptoms of imbalance. 
And this is how I li(v)ed my first 32 years in life (and it took me about 6 years to really get out of the ditch the first time...!).

Choosing to act out of fear rather than love for too long really messes up the system (in my case, the body - globally speaking, the Earth).

________

Therefore I revisited one of the places where I started my "new life" yesterday - by consulting the I Ching <3

Tarot cards in all glory - but the I Ching "speaks to me" in a way that the cards can't. 
I don't fully know why. But it's something about the abstract description and unfathomable completeness of it. The timeless. The Ancient roots. 
As I don't "see images" (my head and inner world is truly totally blank when it comes to images) textual messages works much better for me. And is mostly how I use Tarot cards too - through the different descriptions and interpretations, rather than the images. And that's why I have my system of (for the moment) 148 decks, each symbolising different themes/situations - just like the I Ching keys describes different 'situations' in connection to others, in an "irrational" encompassing seamless way.
I very much resonate with the vastness and timeless structure of the I Ching. The Tarot on the other hand is a little bit "too structured" for my liking. Any structure or sectioning tends to exclude - I think about the suits and the sequential structure in the Tarot. Why I can't just use ONE Tarot deck. I need "more context".
Why I'm also more intrigued by Astrology - which certainly have a vast context! But it's also a little bit "too complex" for my taste. I totally love "natal horoscope", and quite fond of "Solar Returns" and these kind of "snap shots" - but I find it to complex to find "day-to-day" guidance through it. There are too many planets and bodies (different kind of energies) intermingling all the time - and I don't find myself to be 'intelligent' enough to sort out which that are "more important" or "urgent" then others. Therefore I use other tools and ways for "in-the-moment-guidance". Tarot, Dreams, Spiritual Books and I Ching - but it's been a while since I used the latter, until yesterday.

And I really wish for "more synchronistic guidance". More "unlikely coincidences" and "signs" in my everyday life. But I have a hunch that I am still 'too much in my head' to receive/see'em. 
Especially now, when I'm 'possessed by a Vampire'. 
I've heard that 'meditation' is a great tool for getting out of the head - but either "the sitting down upright" version of it isn't for me, or I'm just 'not there yet'. 
Visualisation - being blank of inner images - obviously isn't for me! :) 

__________

After some deep I Ching consultation yesterday and some honest confessions to myself, I signed up for an Authentic Power Course by Gary Zukav yesterday.
I've been eyeballing it for quite some time. 
It's not a solution - but it is a reminder to myself, a strengthening of my Spiritual Commitment, and yet another clear message to my ego. 

______

Card: Four of Sculls ('Four of Pentacles')

""two figures, who stand on the solid defenses of their fortress"
"The male vampyre represents the fiery aspect of power. He is potent, willful and steadfast. The female illustrates measured control and the reflection of energies that do not adhere to our will."
"It is unclear if the male of female Vampyre is in command. In reality, it is a binding of these different elements that creates the impenetrable fortress."

It's an equivocal separation in me. A willful ego and a 'pretending to be intuition' force (think Lilith) are fighting for the limelight. Both pretending to "have the answer". But - merely pretending to be in a fight. The truth is that non of them has any answers, and it is merely a shadow-fight with no other purpose than that of putting up, and holding this defence fortress around the 'vulnerable heart' again.

As mentioned I'm not much of an image-person, but this image talks to me. It quite evident that these two Vampyres are allies rather than opponents. Having a shadow-fight that is nothing more than a distraction from the true issue/cause/problem - the defence fortress they stand upon, that has been built all around my heart, 'in plain sight'.

How to take down the fortress again?
Brute force wont do it, that's for sure.

"Advice regarding how to manage my 'body disturbance*":

46. Pushing Upward --> 52. Keeping Still

46. Pushing Upward
"A hard task can be divided into many easy tasks. Work has to be done, devoting time on it. Success is guaranteed. There is nothing to fear."
"9in2nd: In order to climb a ladder the right way, you must step firmly. You cannot be neither delicate nor rigid."
"top6: Where does this ladder lead to? It never ends."

Next: 52. Keeping Still
"Only from stillness is it possible to choose the correct movement. Chatter of mind must cease. You have to know how to stop and resign. Reality is here and now."

I do have 6 book versions of I Ching, but this time I used an app with a different kind of interpretation of the old classic than I'm used to, but with answers that suited remarkably well (as usual). 

To be continued.