Lily + Emily Dickinson (IX), Far Sight + Poet Tarot

13.06.2020

Themes: Navigating towards a goal out of sight + innovative approach

CARDS
Far Sight: Lily - King Spades
"Older age; mature or elderly man; well-respected elder; advisor; virtuous person; one of nature's gentlemen; good manners; harmony; support; lilies ... their purity and aroma; beauty is more than skin deep"
Poet Tarot (I use the limited android app): Emily Dickinson (The Hermit)
"Whenever you draw Emily Dickinson from the deck, you are being invited to a period of creative soul-searching."
"Like Dickinson, a self-styled hermitress who rarely left her house, you can replenish ideas and inspiration through introspection." I'm a true Emily - I rarely leave the house, and certainly spend a lot of time introspecting :D ;)

***

I like this combination of decks. It's kind of necessary to be rather innovative in order to navigate towards a goal out of sight!
Yesterday I was ("coincidentally") rather crestfallen due to the feeling of not having a particular life goal (a fact I let take the best of me every now and then).
My only life-long wish have always been: "to be happy", "to feel good".
I've been searching and searching for this. I've felt disappointed far more times than I can count. I've felt left out for the greater part of my life. I always feel as if I'm on the outside looking in. I always have had a hard time finding persons or groups wanting to including me; my person and my perspectives (my "body" yes, the rest not so much). I rarely find persons needing my help, or wanting my kind of views/reflections.
Every time I try a new (outer) direction/path I feel as if I end up in yet another blind alley. And it is at those times I fall down, for longer or shorter times. 
And "the lack of guidance/scarcity of signs" always bugs me.

Soul-searching-wise this is a really interesting image (Ego-wise - Not So Much)!
Firstly - "Being/Feeling Happy" is a one man job! It's futile to search for it outside, so of course there's been no luck finding anything down that path! Is it because of this the universe "doesn't put a lot of friends/relationships/connections" on my path - forcing me to do the inside job, by myself? This belief grows stronger by the day, and has for many years now. 
Secondly - the Mirror Living perspective. What about this "feeling excluded" thing? And if included, feeling that my physical body (and/or its accomplishments) is the only part being wanted/interesting - not my spiritual body (and views/thoughts/feelings). Feeling uninteresting, irrelevant and misplaced.
Is this mirrored (projected by) to me because I deem my own life uninteresting and irrelevant, and that I find myself incapable of finding a place for myself?
I find myself (and the mystery of being) highly interesting - but not my life per se. (tons of planets in the 1st house, but North node in 11th?)
Am I more comfortable with my physical body than my spiritual body? I think so. Do I have a hard time listening to myself? I guess so. Is there "lack of guidance" because I don't want to be guided? Or because I still have too much disturbing expectations and would prefer to be guided in another direction? Most likely I have tons of unexamined expectations, considering the amount of heavy and painful feelings still haunting me!
My Ego most certainly desire more tangible goals - it writes new ones all the time, and feels deeply crushed every time another one gets pulled away. My Ego has a hard time accepting inner goals and navigating life without a (physical) goal in sight.
Thirdly - I (the Ego(s)) still feel as crushed as it ever did every time a physical goal/expectation gets ripped away from it. But hey, here's the great part - there's change!
Before, I used to drown myself in these feelings. I used to believe them, and/or immediately act on them. Lash out.
I wallowed in self-pity. I tried to find persons, situations, things or circumstances to blame for my feelings. I don't do that anymore! That's spiritual growth - and creation of Authentic Power (To create authentic power means to respond always with your best version of yourself).
I used to desperately find (outer) solutions to "get out of the feeling". I used to demand other people to drag me out of it - alternatively drag them down with me..!
I think this is one of the primary lessons at the moment. I think the subject of this class could be Forgiveness.
No one is "wilfully doing anything against me".
I've done things against myself earlier in life, and those old pains are triggered - and I'm given the opportunity to repent it (through acceptance and love), and heal. 

***

On and on I skip, innovatively, towards unseen goals.
With growing gratitude for persons and situations in my life, which and who help me by mirroring myself back to me, whether the know it or not! Presenting me with exactly what I need, whether they know it or not.