Mother of Earth, Today's Journey Tarot

03.05.2020

Theme: expansion (a deck created by Expanding Dimensions) or "one day at the time"

Spontaneous reflection: "feed your cool" (calmness)

There arises so much 'opinions' about my "situation" now - there's no need for those. Everything is as it is. For some reason or another.
The Ego once again gets trapped in dreadful thoughts about the future, and wants to drag me down with it.
"What have we (You) done?!"
"Now you've really made a mess of your life again!!"
"Where the hell are you heading?!"

I don't know.
And I know I shouldn't know, but that I should live life each moment - making the best (most loving) choice there is in each and every Now.
Or - that's my best guess - I guess!
Because when lots of 'stuff happens' at the same time, I still loose it.
My cool.
And it's replaced with a nasty pile of fearful questions and a great deal of doubt.

"You're so fucking useless!
You're heading nowhere!
No one needs you.
No one truly loves you, your 'gifts' or your messed up inside, capish?!"

And admittedly - I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. 
Or rather, I honestly "hate being me" in these moments/periods.
I hate the contradiction of knowing it's false but feeling it's true..! (contradiction and inside war - the topic of yesterday)

I so badly wish I didn't feel the way I feel, that I wasn't so easily duped by and swallowed by my fears. I really, really wish to be much more "simple". Not so emotional, not so sensitive, not so defensive, not so analytical, not so erratic, not so reactive.
I just have such a terrible mix of crap inside bothering me!!

So, I guess I have a terrible problem with barrier 1: Feeling Fundamentally Flawed.
My head says I don't. I KNOW there's nothing "wrong" with me. That I am just the way I'm supposed to be, for the purpose I'm designed for. But there's no question about it, the feeling (at the moment) is that I'm disgusted with most of what I am and have inside, and like so many times before that disgust spreads - so that I also start second-guessing and grow disgust for everything I say and do.
At the moment I'm trapped in feeling it to be a very heavy burden to be me, and having to take responsibility for all this "time consuming", energy draining, crap that continuously pops up inside me!
I want a "simpler and more joyful, outgoing, serving life task"!!!

***

"And it brings with it a related fear: If you did make a commitment to fully using your unique gifts, you might fail. This belief tells you to play it safe and stay small. That way, if you fail, at least you fail small." (link)

"I am unlovable; I don't matter; everything is my fault; I can't do anything right; I don't deserve good things; I was a bad child; I deserve to be treated the way others treat me; I'm a bad person; my needs and wants are not important; nobody likes me; I can't be myself around others; I have to hide my true emotions and thoughts; I'm never good enough." (toxicshame)

"There are two ways we can address this cognitive dissonance:

  1. Pull back from our current success and not challenge that false belief
  2. Shine the light of awareness on the false belief and call it what it is; the Upper Limit Problem.

This is a false belief that will bite you if you don't expose it and kill it. You need to throw water on it, just as Dorothy did to the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz. I like to picture the false belief melting into nothingness, just as the wicked witch did." (link)

***

It might feel crappy - but it's the way it is!

Note to self: "Do Not Act On It!!!"

That's way the "feed your cool" sentence popped up as a reflection when I saw the Card of the Day.

"Sometimes it can feel like you have zero control of your thoughts, but actually you do: you don't have to engage in them. With a little practice, you can create a space between the stimulus and your response, and in that space, choose a better-feeling response"

"Choose an intention consciously: choose a response, and act from the most loving part of your personality instead of the opposite. This means, avoid reacting blindly from fear or hurt, but pause, and respond from love and compassion." (link)

And also, NOT trying to "control the outcome"!!! 

Stay In The Present - choose unconditional love over fear in all words and actions (allow the fear - but don't succumb)!

***

Card: Mother of Earth ('Queen of Pentacles')
Key words: "Nurturing, Fertility"
"The Mother  of Earth is a nurturer. She respects the environment and all of its creatures. Like the earth itself she supports those in her world. She is the physical caregiver for the polar bear cub. She realises nurturing is required even in the coldest climate. She wears no protection from the cold, willing to sacrifice her own comfort. Her green scrubs stand out like the persistence of life in the harshness of winter. The infant cub represents fertility and growth.
In a reading, this card could represent a person (male or female) or a situation. The person loves nature. She takes care of everyone and offers assistance to anyone in need. Sometimes she compromises her own well being in the process. In a situation there is a need to nurture yourself or someone else. Don't exclude your own needs. It is a fertile time and growth is occurring.
"