Nine of Cups, Infinity Tarot
Theme: "how to manage, cope with, and navigate the infinite Field of Pure Potentiality"
"...we are, in our essential state, pure consciousness. Pure consciousness is pure potentiality; it is the field of all possibilities and infinite creativity. Pure consciousness is our spiritual essence. Being infinite and unbounded, it is also pure joy. Other attributes of consciousness are pure knowledge, infinite silence, perfect balance, invincibility, simplicity, and bliss. This is our essential nature. Our essential nature is one of pure potentiality."
I flicker in and out of this awareness (flicker in between loving and frightened parts of myself)!
Whenever I read or listen to a book touching this fact I'm connected to it - and each reminder (and experience) of it make me feel it more and more, deeper and deeper!
Each time I'm connected to it - and therefore to my soul - I feel an indescribable intimacy!
It SO evident, and the feeling is so lovely, so pure, so deep, so true!!
Ah, those moments!
But the Frightened Parts of my Personality Just. Wont. Enjoy. It!! They Just Have To Distort It.
There are those that have to grab the feeling and get engulfed in it, pick it apart and devour in the happiness part of it - I can (now - beginning to actively use emotional awareness) feel that they devour it like a person who haven't been fed for days or weeks would do. And then they become exhilarated, like they've gotten some kind of drug (energy from the source surely is powerful stuff!). I assume that these same parts are some of those that want to have candy, sweets and watch and do "funny stuff" when the happiness feeling is lacking. They vacillate between sending out overenthusiastic energy and energy of deep sadness, loneliness, victim-hood, gloom and melancholy, depending on the quality of energy reaching (surrounding) them.
Then there are those parts that just seem to resist these fact and the energy and some how refuse to see it, admit it, acknowledge it, accept it. Actively blocking. I guess they are contributing to the heavy pressure I've felt in my chest and solar plexus area for many, many, many years. They typically let out energy in form of anger, resistance, judgements, "common sense", and rational analysis.
Then there are those who immediately go "it's to good to be true", "don't trust it", "what comes up must come down", "there's no use, no one cares anyway". They are the apathetic ones. They also block the energy, but in quite a different way from the resisters. They are inclined to send out energy in the shape of powerlessness, bitterness, victim-hood, depression, apathy.
Then there are those who want to "hoard it". "Save it for rainy days", "limit the spending", "you don't know when you will get another batch", "don't waste", covering their fear of the unknown with words as "thrifty, anticipating, economical". They are stuck in "survival-thinking", not being able to grasp that there's enough energy for everyone, that there's a new era dawning - the era of spiritual growth. They block energy in yet another way than the above parts. They seem to let out "decent energy", but to be harsh it's mostly just judgement and selfishness dressed in nice clothes! Stinginess, defensiveness, resistance and reason are some types of energies they let out.
Then there are some really nasty parts - the narcissistic, manipulative ones. Those who want to use it only for their own ideas, wishes and wants. Think Scrooge McDuck. They do not only want to save it, they want to accumulate, "invest". They don't let energy out unless there "is something in it for them". They have to analyse everything from their (quite limited) perspective. They look purely from personal and materialistic points of view (not a spiritual thought in sight). They give only when they can get something back, they give to feel good (rather than to DO good) or when they already feel good. They always expect something back when they give (be it things, appreciation, love, encouragement) - the so called manipulative conditional love (in contrast to un-conditional love that doesn't require anything at all back). This kind of Frightened Parts have a really hard time accepting the world (people, surroundings and events) as it is - they always want things to be in another way, and have as sole focus to change everything and everyone else rather then seeing and changing themselves.
I have a hunch that these are the Frightened Parts of my Personality that have been last in the chain in me, the last instance where energy had to pass. If it had passed all the others, it still had to pass here - quite the needle's eye! Energy they let through/out: selfishness, anger, righteousness, manipulation, greed, frustration.
Common denominator for all Frightened Parts of my (or anyone's) Personality: FEAR.
Needless to say, but not much energy has been let out from me in a healthy, aware and controlled way during the greater part of my life! Because I've been governed by my Frightened Parts - FEAR - for the greater part of my life. My personality is completely crammed with Frightened Parts - the above being a rough overview description of them!
As mentioned yesterday: I have so many presents to unwrap this Christmas (and the rest of my life)!!
Something really funny happens when I approach life this way - detach and observe. I've always had this capability (as by coincidence), and I've used it a lot (it have kept me afloat during rough times), but not in a fully aware, controlled, and holistic way. But most of all: I've not used the gift in an especially spiritual way, on behalf of the soul.
I find it to be an awesome feeling to get into this be your own witness-mood.
"You no longer focus on what makes you angry, but on the experience of anger in yourself. You no longer direct your attention to what frustrates you, but to the excruciating experience of frustration."
Sound's great? ;)
Maybe it doesn't. But the pain of feeling your feelings is so much lesser than (re)acting it out and facing the consequences! It quite liberating.
"You are no longer content to behave in a way that merely covers over, or avoids, a painful emotion that has controlled you in the past."
Or, most importantly:
"You no longer run away from your life and yourself"
"When you become interested in the curricula of the Earth school, your life becomes very interesting."
"When your life begins to change, you lose interest in changing others."
Oh right, there was a card there somewhere.
How to relate to this new found reality, how to navigate this infinity of possibilities.
"I have no reliable connection to my intuition, I get no images, I have no visions!!!!"
"What about all these Frightened Parts standing in the way!?"
"Where the hell to begin?"
"Give me a task and I do it!"
"Come on, get on with it!"
"What does THAT sign mean?"
"How, when, what, WHY!?"
There's quite the mess of messages inside me, which are mostly conveying fear of the unknown, fear of losing control, fear of "doing wrong", fear of not understanding, yada yada!
I think there are many contemporary psychiatrists that would fancy to label me ("diagnose" me) bipolar if I described my inner world, and my flickering between moods :) When my many Frightened Parts take over the rudder I want to too, but when my (growing in power and presence) loving parts of the personality are in charge I laugh fondly over my amusing, somewhat complex configuration and inner world, and what peculiar task I might be created for!
When my Loving Parts of my Personality are in charge I know the way - or rather, know that the way is revealed to me step by step, in portions I can manage. The Loving Parts in me are "trusting that the Universe will provide what I need, when I need it, and in the manner most appropriate to me." No question about it.
Thankfully these moment are becoming more and more frequent and prominent!
By not reacting - or at least delay or postpone it. By calmly walking away or stay quiet when I cant muster the strength to do or say something loving. By always acting and talking from the most loving Part of the Personality available. By detaching from my feelings and feeling them, instead of acting them out.
I'm a beginner, but an eager learner.
By not letting my Frightened Parts of my Personality rule my decisions (any longer).
There's a long way to go, but it's my way! The only way I can go. The way I will learn and grow the most. The way I will contribute the most.
One step at the time, and i am guided. By non-physical guides.
(Heart of the Soul)
Tonight I dreamed of passing over a bridge when biking from an island to the mainland. I felt rather in a hurry, but I just had to stop and watch the view, as it was one favourite place of mine. Also, it was an amazing weather outside, about 28 degrees Celsius, which "everyone was so happy about". When I had crossed the road and reached the bridge railing on the other side of it, I was startled. It's wasn't the "usual nice view", or the one I expected. I was quite astonished to see that the water was really, really green. Even as green as the surrounding tree-line. That's odd, I thought, but I quickly related it to the warm weather - it must have promoted the alga growth? I was about to judge the view as rather unpleasing because of this, having expected a clear lake, but then got caught by the amazing silence. For a moment I got totally enveloped in the experience/view. The view of rather strangely thick green, but absolutely calm lake, and almost not a sound in the air. Some fain bird chipper far away, and maybe some sound of moving air, but not a person in sight and mostly - quiet.
As with all dreams it is hard do convey the experience - and that in a language not my own.
But that's where I'm at. My inner waters are damn murky (see above brief summary!), but just making the decision to take a step back (up), with the intention to love and of seeing and learning, creates a deep sense of calmness, and the inner chaos become silent for a while. The view maybe ain't "beautiful", but the experience goes beyond beauty, and what the eyes can see!
Hopefully it's also a sign (or a potentiality of) that I don't let the murkiness affect others too much (any longer). That I look at it (face it) myself - no person in sight, nice weather, calm, balanced (bike).
Yes, the card.
It's pretty much to just "hang in there", be grateful for what life hands you, knowing that you get exactly what you need! Be grateful, balanced, and send out as much (unconditional) love as you can - and go to (the Earth) school every day :)
(I have always frequently dreamt of being in - very different - schools)
Card: Nine of Cups
"Gratification and satiety are deserved by those who are balanced and rejoice in it."
There are always just two choices:
It releases (connect you to) so much (infinite) AWESOME HIGH-QUALITY ENERGY to take your Earth-school lessons seriously - If only (even) more people new!!! :)
SYSTEM ALERT! Overenthusiastic energy outlet detected !! Detach !
I thoughtlessly squeezed my thumb pretty hard on my bathroom door today, after the initial intense pain and accompanying fear (catastrophic thinking), I giggled for (and at) myself, while I put the pounding thumb under ice cold water for 5 minutes!
"Hey focus, in the present, now!"
Deck #62: Infinity Tarot