Nine of Swords, Atavist Tarot
Theme: marriage of science + religion (left brain-right brain, matter-spirit)
Aaah. One of my main concerns, and challenge.
Life used to be so simple - before becoming aware of this soul and spirit thing.
When the bible was just a thick book.
When my own opinions and wishes mattered to me.
I figured out what I wanted, and did it.
I figured out what I didn't want and avoided it.
I followed what others told me was the responsible, rational and productive way, and performed quite well most of the time, and really thought I was a good and smart girl.
It was so (comparable) simple!
It felt crappy - but it was simple!
Not easy - but simple!
Using only my well developed 5 basic senses - mostly ignoring the others (which was the uneasy part, which made it feel so crappy - not to my knowledge or awareness - and not the knowledge or awareness of the "experts" I encountered back then).
Unknowingly I filed for a divorce from my old way of doing things 2013. I pressed my nose into books and dreams, and turned my gaze to the stars (the not so approved science of astrology). I learned a lot, and slowly started to open up for senses outside the approved "big five".
I thought I was divorcing "society" back then, and hoped to never return to it. But I think I need to come to terms with the divorce just being a separation from my old way of doing thing. A part of me surely would like to live as a recluse monk (many times in my life I have joked about "maybe I should become a nun and join a monastery - mainly because of 2-uteruses-complications, but still). Just meditating and reading, not having to face the challenges of our society and it's population in need.
But silent meditation with crossed legs haven't really turned out to be my thing (yet), and it might just not be the most responsible thing to leave it all to others. It might just not be the most productive and expansive way from a evolutionary point of view. And I have a strong sense of responsibility and expansion in me - which could be described in the language of astrology as "Jupiter and Saturn on Ascendant, and born in the sign of Jupiter: Sagittarius" (more on that).
I sense (somewhat unwillingly to some frightened parts of my personality) that there are things for me to do "out there". A more active role in the ongoing evolution in consciousness, than just hanging around in my hut.
But before "creating magic" on any larger scale I guess I have to acclimatise to society and the people living in it first! For real. Since my "divorce" 2013 I have merely "visited" the society, with my mind, soul, spirit and heart most of the time still at home, and eager to bring my body and intellect back there as well. Pretty much like in the old days I guess, when I think of it - with the difference being that I'm aware of it now.
Questions and pondering:
When there's something of/in "the fivesensory system" that needs to be done, how to do it in a spiritual (multisensory) way?
When you have to sit down and do administration work regarding the economy for your business because the current fivesensory system (that you are a part of, whether you like it or not) requires it, while you are hunted by thoughts like "you know, money doesn't even exist!, They´re just made up!" - how to stay balanced and open?
When you "have to" go to classes teaching fivesensory (evolutionary counterproductive) stuff in a fivesensory (soon to be/are obsolete) way because they are in the curriculum, and you have chosen the particular education yourself - how to manage it as a balanced intellect-spirit-soul-heart-thing?
How to operate in a fivesensory society, among mostly fivesensoryperceptive humans, as a multisensoryperceptive human in training?
I guess, suppose and assume that the answer is quite simply: "face the frightened parts of your personality that arises", with that work in itself being one of the greatest and most important task in my life, and maybe the greatest contribution I can give to the evolutionary process.
Changing the world - one individual at the time. With the only individual I really can change being myself. All the others have to do their work themselves. Maybe I can support and guide some, but to do that well I have to change myself first, and become a trustworthy guide and role model.
One step at the time.
One Frightened Part after another.
Card: Nine of Swords - Lord of Despair and Cruelty
"GUILT - DENIAL - SELF-PUNISHMENT - NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR PATTERNS - SELF-VICTIMISATION"
"You are anxious and worried about someone or someone's criticism of you"
"You have laid on your shoulders total responsibility for the problem, but this is actually an internal reaction to the fact that the outcome of this situation is not in your control."
Advice: "Once you have realised that the outcome is not in your control and have recognised that there are others involved, you can start moving towards a more positive outlook. You can then assist yourself and others in finding a happier solution to your problem."
Among other things I tonight dreamed about black flowers. A black orchid. There were two "branches" on it, with lots of sturdy flowers. I was quite amazed over its massive blooming, as there were only the smallest of amount of earth it grew from, in an equally small pot. And the earth was so dry! I drenched the little amount of dirt in water, a little bit worried that it was too late. And I was also afraid that I was going to brake any of the branches, which I really didn't want to to. It was SO beautiful! But, suddenly I started realising that the flower wasn't real..! I closely and unwillingly examined it and soon had to, reluctantly, admit that it was made of cloth. I really didn't want to believe it, because I liked it so much - but I don't care for fake plants. At the same time I was puzzled. I was so sure that it was real. I was so sure it was living. And why is there real dirt to it? Then I started to remember that it wasn't my plant from the beginning. I remembered that I've gotten it from someone else, someone not really interested in plants, and satisfied with fake ones.
I associate the black flowers to Frightened Parts of the Personality. To fear, anger, resentment, frustration. Feelings all of which I've always thought were mine, they being in me - or rather, were ME! I've let them pour out from me - wishing to get rid of them that way. Not realising that they only grow stronger that way - it gives them a reason for hanging around, and grow. I reacted on them, instead of truly questioning them (instead of my surroundings). Parts of me still feel comfort in them, and don't want them to die. But most parts of me are waking up to the fact that they aren't real! They are not ME! Even if I have the feelings in me, they are just things, reactions from/on the past, karma brought with the soul for a purpose of healing them - and I can choose what I water and care for or not!
As mentioned I do feel lighter and brighter each day, because I care for and water the black forces less and less - which the hidden realms of existence gently confirms and describes to me symbolically through my dreams!
I SO love the existence of, and the lovely symbolical language of, dreams!
Deck #10: The Atavist Tarot