P8 + SK, Ellis Deck + VikingsTarot


So, how my sensations and thoughts go on this one will be a challenge to describe!

Themes: "I wish I wanted" + Hard Work

For a large part of my life I've had the feeling of "I wish I wanted". I could look at others having fun doing something, wishing I would enjoy it too. The things that amused the majority of people in my surroudings just didn't amuse me - but I so wished they did.  In opposite to Ferdinand I was not pleased under a tree, I wanted to jump around with the others bulls. Or, wished that I wanted! It looked so fun! But whenever I tried, whenever I squeezed into some group or pleasure hunt in pursuit for laughter, fun and happiness I would end up with an uncomfortable empty feeling inside when it was all over.
Man how I wished it was different!!

I wished I would be configured in another way. Which in blunt words is the same as wishing you were someone else.
It all anchored in the sense that nothing seemed to light my fire, to my great shame. It wanted to feel happiness, I wanted to feel meaningful, but I didn't, which made me feel shame, and it kept adding to the feeling of being a burden to the world and my surroundings. It made me angry that I couldn't figure out why, because at the same time I it wasn't true. But the feelings were there, no doubt about it. There was a great split inside. Great confusion, great perplexity.

I felt passionless, and I so envied people who had found things that truly engaged them, things that fired them up, things calling them. I still get a little bit provoked by this, but most of the time I can detach and feel love and happiness for the person triggering it, as I get more and more comfortable in my own skin!
The things burning in me was mostly anger, frustration, fear, confusion and panic, in an awful neverending mix.
My quite prominent natal Jupiter ("expansion, luck and happiness") felt rather limited and chained I guess!

"It seems like from the moment you're born people think they got you all figured out, based on how you look, how you talk, where you're from. But it's not that simple, especially when it comes to me. I'm a little bit more complex. I'm Ferdinand.

I get more and more comfortable in my skin, but I don't think I've faced the FPs feeling these sorts of things fully yet. There are still some FPs questioning the path, judging the slow pace and lack of "results", feeling highly insecure and uncertain, afraid to do anything at all in fear that it just "once again" turns out "wrong", seeing blind alleys in each and every possible direction. 

And that's what I think the cards confirms!


Ellis Deck: 8 of Pentacles
A card in general pointing to "hard work". The craftsman refining his skills.
"...represents a skilled and experienced master. The card can represent a prolific period of creativity when we begin to produce quality work. Then we can use our skills to support ourselves."

It's "The Work". Find yourself, refine yourself, be yourself, do your thing! And no one can do it for you! You have to be the one supporting yourself! It's hard work, but it is your (core) responsibility in life!

That was my first thoughts on the card. I wasn't "sure" but I thought it could be something like that, and was about to settle with that. But just in case I asked the dice if I should draw another card. Yes.

Vikings Tarot: King of Swords
The deck in my (131 pieces collection) representing the theme "hard dirty work" - Lovely!
With the "control-your-thoughts" card King of Swords facing me. 
Hard work, and becoming the master of your thoughts - as "You Are What You Think"!

That sort of sums it up!

You can't sit around waiting for someone or something "out there" to save you, cheer you up or love you - it requires insight. In-sight. Looking inwards!
And not just talking the talk, but walking the walk!

Continuously working with yourself - being the co-creator of your own life!

In general terms. But I feel I'm doing the "a prolific period of creativity when we begin to produce quality work. Then we can use our skills to support ourselves" thing right now. Doing more and more work, of higher and higher quality, more and more in control of my thoughts, in order to support myself in "making my spiritual path my highest priority"!

Decks #33 and #125 : Ellis Deck (I have as app) and Vikings Tarot.