Page of Swords, the Ellis DecK


Theme: "I wish I wanted"

Neither sick or well.
My Ego wants, but my Soul doesn't 'comply'.
My Ego tries to coerce, persuade and convince the Soul with nice, sensible and clever words - which amounts to nothing less than overt/covert manipulation, with no consideration of the other's perspectives than its own wishes and plans - neglecting the fact that the Soul's "complaints" is guidance from the Universe itself.  
The Soul doesn't 'comply' because - most probably - the time and/or place isn't right for the actions that the Ego insists upon.
No matter how much the Ego wants them to be.
No matter how much the Ego thinks them to be!
The Soul just knows. 

The pattern repeats.
The Body have to step in and "act sick" - because if it doesn't, the Ego would overrun the mere sensation and feeling from the Heart and Soul with it's well meaning words, "win" and get its will through. The Ego have a hard time hearing the quiet whispers of the Soul. Or rather - it doesn't want to listen to it (yes - strange 'ear-pain' and 'ear noise' enters my body at these times).
(and we are not raised to hear or listen to voices inside - quite the opposite actually :) )

My "immeasurable sickness" feels, at the moment, as nothing but a protection for the Soul and a prevention against premature/disrupting (and maybe even unknowingly destructive) action. (and there are other signs confirming it)

"But why isn't the time/place right?!?!"
To the Ego it certainly is, and it just can't see why not - and it demands explanations!!!

It just can't take No as an answer!
Just like a little kicking and screaming child - not having the larger perspective of the fostering parent.
Here with The Universe being the parent, and the Ego the naive, narrow-minded, obstinate child. 
Just like the millions of people now screaming and kicking around the world - not understanding the workings of Nature.

The Ego isn't satisfied with the "the answer will be unveiled in due time" - Crystal Visions Tarot.
It pretends it is, but in words, attitude and action - not so much!

"If now isn't the right time/place - then when is??"
It just can't accept "hanging loose", without a plan to hold tight.
The Ego and the ol' Personality (The Frightened Parts of it) just can't cope with not knowing and The Unknown.
It just can't take a No with 'no reasonable explanation'.


Another take on Page of Swords:
"If you are looking for a sign to move ahead with a new project, the Page of Swords says, 'Go for it!' There will always be challenges with whatever way you choose, and not everyone will be thrilled with your choices, but when it comes down to it, you need to follow your passions and go where your true energy lies. This Page encourages you to move forward and to get the wheels in motion, despite any challenges or setbacks that might stand in the way." (link)

Yes, there are 'projects to get started' - but the Ego just refuses to acknowledge the lack of true energy - the lack of Soul and Heart in the moment. It's stuck in 'plans' and 'ticking boxes' and 'get things done/of the list'.
Yes - all the things on the list had Heart and Soul in them when they where listed - but that's not enough! There has to be Heart and Soul in manifesting each and every item on the list too!
This requires the presence of (universal) timing - not merely 'planning' by the Ego!
The Ego shut's it eyes to this undeniable fact. It is highly reluctant to acknowledge the lack of actual passion/heart/soul-connection in the moment - it forces ahead with the things on the list on sheer will.
It doesn't acknowledge that the feelings and sensations in the body has changed. It pushes on "despite any challenges or setbacks" until the body eventually have to step in and says 'no'! 
The Ego doesn't understand that 'later' is an highly viable option - there's only yes or no. The Ego has a very hard time sensing the Organic Way to fulfil wishes and dreams - it pursues them in thought and a rational manner.
The Ego has a hard time leaving the fulfilment to The Universe.
The Ego has a hard time seeing other ways than it's own to fulfilment.
The Ego has its eyes nailed on the prize.

Yes - the Card came up in reverse.

Fulfilment is so much more than crossing things on lists.
For me it is about crossing things off in (the universally) right order and in the (universally) right way- right things in right places in right time (or not at all) from a greater perspective (not in the right time and/or place according to thoughts in the head)!
How the hell should one know what's Universally Right and Timed?! How the hell should one know when it is the inner voice or ego-shatter?


The Soul - the Inner GPS - shows the way! Through intuition and feelings (emotions and sensations in the body - decrypted in a detached way).
(and than there's dreams, Tarot, signs, synchronicity and so on and so forth)
And generally speaking: when the Soul speaks it feels calming, and when the Ego speaks it is demanding, or accompanied by explanations. The Soul (in my experience) rarely, if at all, explains. It comes with suggestions and advice that just feel right, no explanation needed. Right in an inexplicably calming way. 

"It requires inner work for you to cultivate a perspective within yourself that sees your intellect as a servant, not as your identity."

"Fear says, "I want to make you safe". Love says, "You are safe"."

My greatest desire and need in life is - and always was, and always will be - the feeling of harmony and inner peace.
Which can only be achieved through the heart, the soul and in connection with the universe.
Through saying and doing stuff in alignment with the same.
Peace and harmony created this way out-trumps the satisfaction of fulfilling Personality and Ego-goals as well as ditto plans, for ever and always.