Page of Wands, The Nicoletta Ceccoli Tarot

06.04.2020

Admittedly not a favourite deck of mine. Bought it to represent:
Theme: Melancholy, Self-pity

These tiresome pastimes have taken up a great deal of my time and life, and I have a heavy pull towards the dark - as mentioned many time.
The Self-pity part is pretty much erased, but waves of melancholy and gloom come and go, whether I like it or not. And I have most certainly mostly not liked it. I deeply, deeply want to feel content, and know I have no reason to feel otherwise - but up from the cellar of the unconscious the feelings come!

I do have, what bobmarkastrologer call a "Jekyll-Hyde aspect", in my horoscope: Saturn-Jupiter conjunct. "Jupiter is "Let's have a good time". Saturn is Got to keep working"."
And, they are in conjunct with my Ascendant.
The Ascendant shows how you start things. Saturn will tend to make you cautious and careful here. While the Jupiter conjunction will give you the traits of the Sun-Sign Sagittarius, optimistic, saying whatever is on your mind. Jupiter is the planet of expansion, Saturn the master of limitation. 
Jupiter in the 1st house comes with the "ease of working and general good fortune coming through the power of your own self, thus enabling you to influence others with your cheerful, optimistic, jovial, dignified, self-confident and broad-minded personality. This placing gives ease of self-expression"
While Saturn in 1st points to that my "area of responsibility in the world relates to a personal ambition to attain prominence and overcome problems regarding self-expression" and "In order to achieve self-sufficiency much hard work is required to overcome self-limitations. Periods of gloom and discontent are certain but eventual success will come through your ability to manage others, practical ability and strenuous protracted effort. Progress may be slow...". "overcome feelings of fear and self-doubt" --> "a free soul with a true sense of worth and purpose"
And Saturn is rather supported up by the driven control freak Mars in Capricorn!

This configuratively "bugs" me from inside!
Born with a freedom thirsting Sun in Sagittarius (Sagittarius-Sun being ruled by the above described Jupiter in upwind). In my heart of hearts I deeply yearn for expansion, exploration and soul freedom, and I have intuitively always known it - I have my Moon in the sign of exploration and research - Gemini - and the house of philosophy and metaphysical truth. But she also has a lack of support, being quite lonely and challenged over there in the 9th. Holding hands with a weak, overrun Venus.

Then there's Uranus - the planet of explosive changes - who swims in the dark waters of Scorpio. Accompanied by Mercury, who gives "the original Sherlock" energy when placed in Scorpio. (source: AstroChartsApp)
So yes, I'm also really fascinated by darkness, depth, taboos and gloom.
But of course - also terrified of it: Chiron in the house of death, taxes and transformation. "The myth of Chiron can actually come alive with this placement. You could have a talent for healing or rehabilitating others, but not yourself."

And as this Chrion (and the communicative Mercury) is linked with my "Nodes of Fate", I guess there's something to that in my case :)

(and I have a Pluto-Proserpina-Ceres thing going on in my horoscope to - the famous "live half time above/below" story)

(and I have Vesta - she who wants my devotion/where the divine can be manifest/My secret calling - in the House of "The Unseen realm"
"In the sky, the Twelfth House exists just beneath the horizon: It's quite literally the darkness before dawn. Likewise, the Twelfth House is considered the "unseen realm," and governs all things that exist without physical forms, like dreams, secrets, and emotions." (allure))

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I just can't "get rid of" these inner opposing "Jekyl-Hyde" energies. They were imprinted in me at birth - for some reason or another. For some reason my Soul chose to come to live in this body, with this particular part of psyche.
Just as I have these two uteruses - I'm in more than one sense "two in one"! :D

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I used to interpret my feelings on a very personal level when I was younger (as there's no one teaching you otherwise in 'the system'). In Self-pity and such. The "poor me" interpretation. 
As deeming the feelings coming from "people don't see me", or "people don't hear me". And so on and so forth.
The Ego still pulls the Self-pity victim card rather quickly - the ego loves to go with the manipulative energies of my Mars. 
But I know it's not true. 
But the knowing doesn't take the feelings away.
Only acceptance do that - and be the one willing to "see" and "hear" that which the Ego blames that others don't. 
See and accept the underlying fear.

"inner-knowing doesn't always make the physical experience any easier." (link)

And all this is rather accentuated right now. In a global sense with the Jupiter-Saturn-Pluto thing going on, and in a personal sense through a Pluto-Pluto thing going on.
"A time when all that is personal, sensitive, secret will come storming out of the closet to confront you. A cornucopia of emotional vulnerabilities for you to cope with. Change is the easiest thing to do. Let it flow and let it go." (astroapp)
And Pluto-Pluto things go on for a while, as he's a rather slow fellow!

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A summary of this can be: I both like and dislike these "gloomy dips". I dislike when these feelings break through, my ego likes to get engulfed by them, soak in them, and blame outer stuff for their presence, and sometimes even the Universe itself - but my core loves exploring them, learning from them and growing from them.
When my Ego isn't allowed to soak and blame, it flips and wants wants to run away from the feelings, distract itself from them and focus on "keeping on schedule". "No point in dwelling on it then" it says.
But the difference between 'dwelling on feelings' and 'cultivating emotional awareness' MAKES the difference. 
But, then there's the tricky Upper-Limit problem too. When the gloominess is merely habitual facade, coming from nowhere - when it's merely a lid that the Ego habitually puts on when a positive expansion is about to break through, that it just wont allow, due to old limiting beliefs. When the Ego prefers to stay in a gloomy safe place, than venture out into the unknown - and "risk being brought down again". "Better stay at the bottom, than going up and risk hitting the bottom again!"
Lovely Ego-logic - based on past experiences, beliefs and "truths", and old outdated attitudes!

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So, what does the card 'say' about the subject then? This:
Card: Page of Wands
"One who is learning about magic and energy. Needs practice to control the will and make sense of chaos."  

The Nicoletta Ceccoli Tarot 
the mini version - to not give the gloominess more room than necessary ;)