Queen of Pent's + 3 of Pent´s, Journey Into Egypt + Venetian Carnival

20.04.2020

Themes: Civilisational (evolutionary) duties + Personality management and psychological functions 

My first and foremost focus at the moment should be on management of my Personality (and constituting parts such as the Shadow, the Ego, and the Frightening Parts of my Personality) and my psychological functions (the "four rings" of thinking, feeling, sensation, and intuition).
Things "happening" to me are only triggers, not causes. The causes lies within - triggers without. 
It's not a matter of who or what that triggers - but how and why, and for what purpose.
Why does it affect my in this particular way? Why that it happen now? How can and should I grow from of this? What fears are being uncovered that needs healing?
How can I overcome old habitual responses? I am given new opportunities to respond to - instead of react of behalf of - old, almost forgotten, Frightened Parts of me. 
Most certainly because the Universe thinks I'm ready for it, after 8 years of 'me studies' - although I can't say I feel ready!
"I just need a little more time..."
"I'm not prepared for this yet."

In a blink of an eye I was "pulled out" of The Now, and balance, I thought I had found again - and totally lost myself in the past, and the future, and my head, again.
To an extent I haven't for many, many years now.

"All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." Eckhart Tolle

It's easy to fall into the feelings of Despair, of Helplessness, of Loneliness, of Worthlessness. 
Into Fear, basically.
Get lost in thoughts about what's happening, thoughts about feelings - and mostly old thoughts, (apparently) still being in me.

Old thoughts and outdated reactions from past experiences - "a lifetime ago".
Thoughts dating back to when similar experiences last occurred.

"The voice in the head has a life of its own. Most people are at the mercy of that voice; they are possessed by thought, by the mind. And since the mind is conditioned by the past, you are then forced to reenact the past again and again."

"When you are identified with that voice, you don't know this, of course. If you knew it, you would no longer be possessed because you are only truly possessed when you mistake the possessing entity for who you are, that is to say, when you become it." Eckhart Tolle

And man, am I possessed. My thoughts and my past (My most Frightened Parts) have the tightest grip on me now. 
It's like I don't even recognise myself - or rather, I recognise a very old version of myself - and I admittedly certainly don't like it. 
I admit I try to avoid looking at it. I don't really want to face it. It hurts. 
Avoidance make me project it outwards - like in the old days.
Damn!!
I had my hopes on never meeting this version again - but of course I have to, as there's something that needs to be acknowledged, accepted, embraced, balanced and healed, for me to become the best possible version of myself - which is my primary purpose in life. So of course I have to unveil also the "ugliest bits and parts" of myself.
And - apparently - the Universe thinks I'm about ready to unveil some of the deepest buried and uncomfortable parts now.
Parts I access only via relationships with the other gender - hence something out of my control, as it involves 'more than me'. I don't like not having control. I don't like being 'swept away' - as it turns into 'possession' in the blink of an eye - which is the part I really...yes...hate. 
But it doesn't matter how much I dislike what's happening in me - it's happening anyway.

"To see one's predicament clearly is a first step toward going beyond it." Eckhart Tolle

I can't control what's happening in me - but I can control how I relate to it, and how I respond to it.
I can choose to respond instead of react (in outdated ways).
My situation isn't my 'problem' - my thoughts about it is!

It's rather funny how the head can complicate life - and make perfectly natural and neutral stuff into 'problems'! :)

***

CARDS
Journey Into Egypt: Queen of Coins - Aset
"The Queen of Coins is a good card to show you where, and perhaps when, you will get your power back. It can point to a place in your life where you will regain or reclaim your power."
"When we don't recognise what is most valuable in our lives this Queen teaches us the hard lesson by taking it away." The most valuable "thing" being 'my balance', my 'presence'. Had I received this question 8 years ago while in the grip of the thoughts I'm possessed by now the answer had not been the same! "To see one's predicament clearly is a first step toward going beyond it."
"The Queen of Coins will do whatever it takes to ensure her family is secure." This too shall pass - I will (have to opportunity to) grow stronger from this!
Venetian Carnival: Three of Pentacles
"The most significant elements of this card include understanding interest of another side."
"In this card feeling prevail helping to judge values accurately, estimate own and partner's share, and accept a situation of interrelationship."
"Being connected to the divine, and aiming higher goal." It's not the situation - it's the forces behind it.