S6 + Moon, Monstarot + Ellis Deck

29.01.2020

Theme(s): "slight annoyance" + "I wish I wanted"

Six of Swords two days in a row!

Slight annoyance: something nagging below, disturbing my focus and "being in the presence". 
Not as much as it creates well defined frustration and anger - which would have invited The Royo Dark Tarot.
Not as much as it 'drags me down in darkness' - which would have been represented by The Alchemy 1977. 
Although, something that most probably would generated either the Royo Dark or the Alchemy Tarot in the past - but not now, when I have more awareness to shine on the workings of the mind (in this particular case/moment). 
I am getting better and better at not making the mistake of believing that I am my thoughts!

Spontaneous reflection (here dressed in clumsy words) to these cards:
There really is something to do/get done, get started with. It's time to leave the shore, raise sails - use the winds and the flow of the water. But some annoyance distracts me from doing so (I have felt it for days - and the cards now clearly point it out, two days in a row). I do want to get things rolling, but I "get distracted" - let things distract me - and end up with "wish I wanted". I let "the annoyance" distract me from clear reflection and feeling my intuition (moon reversed). 

The distracting annoyance?
Habitual thinking!!!

________

My mind desperately tries to think it's way to the best solution. A (pretty much always) impossible way to go. The intellectual mind can impossibly take everything into account. The intellectual mind have no way of knowing what is going to happen in one week, in one day, or even 1 minute...! 
I can meet someone giving me new game-changing information in the grocery store this afternoon, I can get a call urging me to drop everything I have at hand to morrow morning, maybe the thing I want to buy today is on sales in one week! And on and on it goes!
The universe knows all this - there IS an 'optimal' way (from a greater perspective than any human's) - but the intellectual part of my mind just cannot find this on it's own - but still so desperately tries!!! Because it was told from early age to do so! Disconnected and uninformed as we (generally speaking) are from other ways of solving things - thinking has become the only "approved and clean" way to solve things. We have all met the "if there's no scientific research/proof or mathematical formula to describe it, it can't be true" talk.
The only (generally speaking) other way to solve things - when the logical 'thinking' function is out of order for some reason or another - is to do or act on pure instinct and impulse, or when totally swallowed or swayed by feelings or emotions (so called 'love' or some version of fear/anger). Not thinking about the fact that feelings of anger, 'love' (the conditional needy kind) or other strong feelings are rather highly impossible to describe or prove mathematically..!!!! Yet they are somehow from time to time very much approved to invoke as probable cause and reason...!!

Peculiar. If you ask me.

_________

To my annoyance my intellect quickly steps in as the hero.
"I can solve this - just give me a minute, an hour, or a day!" it proudly exclaims.
And then it starts computing. Putting more and more variables into the equation(s). My intellect has quite the capacity to look from many, many perspectives - which quickly makes the equation pretty unsolvable. It realises the impossibility, and head ache is a fact. Because it also knows that it impossible to "simplify", as it knows that it is impossible to know which perspectives that are irrelevant - and at the same time firmly knows that there are so many more perspectives that are unknown, with many of them maybe being highly relevant (as described above - unforeseen things, not yet happened, or at the moment out of sight).

It then desperately begins to compare and count. Make pro and con lists. What ifs. 
Desperately tries to find which part it knows most about. Find an angle it can control, and make an informed decision in.
It never finds it.

Life can't be solved.
Life isn't a problem.

Either there is something to be done or said in the moment - or it isn't. 
Agonising about things that should or could be done and in what order they 'ought' to be done, or dwell on things that are already said or done and wanting them to be different is so damn unproductive...!
It is really annoying when my mind gets stuck in these loops. 

And as a flight from the situation it picks up other things, or create new things, in it's desperate need to find something it can solve..! It looses itself in that smaller, easier problem, that it can take control over.
It's rather naive and cute if you think about it - why the cute Monstarot is such a suiting deck for this matter.

_______

And yes. Now the mind and Ego really wants to sit here and continue writing and circling around these cards - in their illusion that all this describing is some kind of solution...! This is a safe harbour.
"The better I describe it, the better it is!"
"The more control I have, the better and more right it is"
"The more information I get...."
"I need more information NOW"
"I need to solve, NOW"
"We need to act, NOW"
"Because..."

_______

Nah.
Now I know better.
The less I meddle in the workings of the universe the better. The less I try to figure things out the better. I have and know what I need in this moment - and I will have and know what I need in all the next moments to come. There's no use in trying to "figure out".
If it begins to feel forced it's time to back off.

That's hard when things are piling up, and the mind steps in full force in every direction I ponder. It's like the moment I leave a shore the Ego starts steering, paddling and fighting each wave. Those little monsters go "shouldn't you", "have you thought about", "do you know where you're going?", "why?", "haven't you forgotten something?" ... "are you positively sure?"

I end up pushing, pulling and trying to 'make right' - or passively drifting - instead of relaxing, sensing, breathing, and let the universe light my way.
Sometimes the light is dim - as with the moon.
Then it's all the more important to step back and step carefully. Maybe even rest - as when the Moon is void.
"BUT WE HAVE TO....." the intellect and Ego screams.

The more they scream - the more they resist - the more I have to step back.
It's not about the doing - it's about the how. 
It's NOT about the situation - it's about how I perceive and manage the situation. 
It's not about GETTING OUT of the situation - it's about BEING IN and accepting the situation!

I have a strong sensation that until I can calmly accept my situation, stop think and agonise about things that 'should be done' the universe wont show me the way, or help me. Not accepting, wanting to change the now - instead of just neutrally do or say what needs to be done - is exactly how to create an arduous life...!
Resist and judge the now and you will feel that the now (through situations and persons you meet) resists and judges you! The Universe reflects back to you what you need to see about yourself, each and every moment.
An excellent tool (Free of Charge) to use for development, growth and basis for action! 
"Mirror living" as I call it. 

Instead of focusing to solve or get out of the situation - I ask myself why the situation is as it is. Not in terms of "what did I do wrong to get here" (stuck in blaming and the past) - but as in "what is it that I can learn, now"? How does the situation feel - where in me, and why?
Every situation is as it is for a reason.

At the moment that's not so easy. My intellectual thinking overtakes me.
Hence, as I can't stop it for the time being, I have to accept it.
Neither force it to stop - nor let it distract me.

The Ego doesn't like this, 'when there's so much to solve' - fear, anxiety and stress (Frightened Parts of my Personality) awakens - which are just further things to accept, and not fight or solve.

Until I calmly accept situations like this - they will continue to appear in my life. 
There's no "I don't have time" - because there's no "later" - there's only NOW. And the next Now will continue to look and feel like this, until I accept the Now!
There's no way to escape the now! 
When the supposed 'brighter future' arrives, it will be just another now - mirroring what I (still) need to accept and see - with new 'brighter futures' being created in that now...!

So simple and so hard at the same time.

Life's surely an awesome 'construction'!

The only way to get out of the rough waters is to wait until they settle. Wait for mental clarity.
"Gaps" can't be filled in merely with more thinking. 
It's impossible to think your way to (true) clarity - especially when the time is not ripe or meant for clarity..!

'I wish I wanted' - my Ego rather escape, and chooses to keep get distracted by the thoughts and outgrown habits connected to them. It fears facing them. It can't see clearly, and the shadows created by the dim moonlight frightens him (my Ego mostly feels like a 'him').

And it rather theorise about it than face it - "isn't it enough that I know, do I really have to change and do accordingly?" :)

"Lets talk about that!!" the Ego says, with a hopeful and excited voice and great smile on it's lips.

No my friend, enough talking for now, now it's time to walk - and by walk I mean relax, rest and breathe for a while, and then we'll see if some clarity will enter our consciousness :)

Deck #92 and #35: Monstarot (as an app) and Ellis Deck (as an app)