Six of Pentacles, Robin Wood Tarot
Theme: "finding the path through 'the woods/scrubby terrain'",
or "how to rock the woods like Robin Hood" maybe!
or the "I can't see the forest for all the trees"
or "the answer is right in front of you",
or rather "there are no answers" is the feeling I have, below all the frenetic 24/7 thinking my head habitually produces at the moment, which causes a LOT of nervousness and tension in my body, and highly crappy sleeping!
Now I feel that 'the flow' slowly returns into my life - but there is flow of things that my Ego/head is rather uncomfortable about. They want answers, directions, plans, and really, really want to get time to "think things through". Like 'back in the days'. It's impossible to stop the thinking, but I try not to listen and/or engage, and just let the head ramble on - which makes the head think even more in desperation over my 'ignorance' and 'action without thinking of the consequences', which "unfortunately affects the body" - no sleep, upset stomach and 'anxiety'. I try not to fight (or dislike) those things either, and just accept the old habitual responses for what they are. I drink a little less coffee, to make it a little easier for the body. I try to be with and listen to as much of the thinking 'the day permits', without going into any discussions. But mostly - limit all kinds of 'negotiations' with the Ego, and all the 'explanations' and "convincing'.
The Ego is really annoyed right now - it wants me to explain what I do, and why I do, and "to what end". It wants me to explain everything I do, and that everything I do is well substantiated. I hardly dare to think about how many hours I have spent on such dialogues with my Ego... The current 'flow' is not of the kind that the Ego is comfortable with - hence the analysis, thinking, anxiousness, fear and so on and so forth! It's "out of my own control". It's unknown, new, uncertain, unfamiliar, way outside the comfort zone.
But everything is in order. I'm finally back into the place where I can use the plain explanation "it feels right" to a greater extent again!
After years and years of practice and discipline I had arrived at this place in the beginning of this year - but, as I've written about a lot since then, I "fell out from this heaven" around the time I signed the papers for my house (although I 'saw it coming').
I've had a hard time 'getting back', and the process was "slowed down" by the fact that as I fell out from the "flow of heaven" my body fell too, and was rather "unusable" for a while.
But, since a week or so, the body has been back for business - which makes it easier for me to find the flow. I have much easier to find it in action than in non-action so to speak.
But - of course the non-action period had a meaning - even though I haven't really figured out why and to which extent yet.
It's really nice to be able to use the body and work again! Yes, it is somewhat weakened, unstable and lacking of sleep because of the annoyed, overthinking "lost-in-the-woods" Ego at the moment - but below I can feel sparks of excitement and inspiration again. Faint maybe - but it's never been much more than that!
The "I do it because I feel it's right" is also a bit faint - why the Ego fights it. But that is also "as usual" - why I can live with the resistance from the Ego. "Been there - done that". It's uncomfortable - but "this too shall pass".
The "small still voice says 'go'", the Ego yells "PAUSE! Do you really know what you're doing?! Why? And where will it end?"
For many, many, many years I listened to the latter.
For some years I listened to the first - but wasted a lot of energy on explaining 'why' (that is, wasting energy on uncertainty) to the Ego.
For a very short period I've listened to the first and NOT wasted energy (or just a little) on explaining why to the Ego (that is, building up my self-confidence and courage) - I've found this to be a way back into 'the flow' that suits me.
And just recently I have (finally) experienced that "giving although the Ego is stuck in fear and feeling lost" is a rather "effective" way too! To give what the Ego thirst the most, and when it thirsts it the most: appreciation, care and consideration (the so called "unconditional love" I guess).
Exactly what I wrote yesterday: "you have to give to receive"!
The Ego feels lost and terrified of the direction I walk in, have lots of anxiety over the things it thinks should be done in another way and/or order - but I let it be terrified, it's OK, and focus on giving and being open anyway, although the Ego fiercely tries to "protect" the heart from 'eventual pains'.
I'm highly aware of the fear but don't fight it and don't try to 'fix' it.
And I repeatedly inquire the Ego to contemplate that maybe, just maybe, all questions doesn't need answers - at least not immediately. And that maybe, just maybe, it's not my questions that's getting answers, but someone else's. Maybe I'm "helping" (giving something to) someone else without knowing it, and that's why it feels right for "no apparent reason (explanation)?
I don't know.
And 'I' don't really care for any answers right now, no matter how much my Ego wants me to! :)
Card: Six of Pentacles - 'Gratification'
"Return of a favor. Gratifying your desire to help or repay another."