Ten of Pentacles, Egyptian Tarot

19.12.2020

Theme: "Civilizational (evolutionary/non-personal) duties/responsibilities"

And something has happened to my page. Two days in a row the background of my new posts has been white (instead of black) - me having to change them to something more suiting the layout of the rest of the page. Black not being an option...!

Card: Ten of Pentacles
"Ease, home, family, income, inheritance"

Not so much.
Going through "bitter lessons" now. 
Ton and tons of feelings of shame, worry, worthlessness, "no one will ever want me the way I am" and "why am I so hard to be with/stand?" the moment when I unfold and show myself, and express my desire to (truly) get to know the other. Will I ever meet a partner who wants to grow together and handle life's hard questions?
Is my destiny something completely different - is it merely wishful thinking (yesterday)? Am I "hoping too much" (also yesterday)?

But I can't say I feel that much regret, so although feeling somewhat crappy and quite nauseous over the situation, I feel it's something I should and have to go through at one time or another - why not this time. But there stands Mr Worry. Was it too early? Should I have waited longer? Should I have done it differently? Am I pushing away? Or was/is this effect inevitable - and even... 'just right'? From a greater ("civilizational/non-personal") level - maybe.
Maybe that's way the card came up reversed - I really, really can't feel the good in the situation (personally) now - and I'm so afraid that I have unnecessarily hurt someone, by just being...me. Being me in the absolutely most loving and patient way I possibly can (at the moment) - and, still, I seem to "scare people away" :(
Will I ever not? 
Maybe/probably totally useless questions. 
I just feel really, really unhappy with how things are, and want things to be different - which doesn't change how things are anyway.
Things are as they are - and should be - which I somewhere know, as my feelings of regret are quite quiet - on a non-personal level.

***

Reversed.
"The Ten of Pentacles reversed may show that you are experiencing challenges or setbacks with financial or job security and family stability. Your investments may have lost significant value, your marriage may be on the rocks, or your job may be at risk. It is time to re-evaluate your position and choose a course of action that will help you regain your sense of security and self-worth."

There's something about 9 and 10 of Pent's coming up again and again - often reversed. 
Each moment I really try to do what's most right (least wrong) and the most loving thing I can - but I have loads and loads of insecurity regarding how I'm "investing my resources", and often disdains "the results".
But, I guess I do most of what I do from a non-personal level - but still have to suffer the consequences personally, as my choices aren't always in my personality's best interest..!
When having the feeling that soul/mission/calling ("civilization") are more important than personal wishes...
Or something like that.