Ten of Pentacles, Infinity Tarot

04.01.2020

Theme: "how to manage, cope with, and navigate the infinite Field of Pure Potentiality"

Everything I wrote disappeared, so this is the second try. 
I'm reflecting on why, and my feelings thereof. With the rational and obvious "bad internet connection", and "I should have updated the page more often" put aside - as mentioned before, I don't believe in coincidences, incidents and mishaps!

Meanwhile, my reflection went something like this:

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This kind of continues yesterday's reflection. Me having troubles with too many thoughts. Because the possibilities there are, the more thoughts, the harder to choose. My highly versatile intellects goes berserk when possibilities are presented. For every possibility it comes up with different scenarios, solutions, and evens thinks it can predict outcomes..! And at the same time it compares all these possibilities and versions of them. 
Which of course is impossible! You can't compare apples and pears, this house and that, this horse and that! It's impossible to know the outcome! Yet the brain desperately tries to find the "perfect" answer and solution. The most cost effective solution to every problem. Yes - it makes everything a problem, a task, something to analyse, with a beginning, middle and end. 

It's a doomed project from the start. Which have produced in me what we call "decision anxiety" in Sweden. I realise have come to hate possibilities, because I'm deathly afraid of making the "wrong" choice - as if there could be a right one.
As I never "end up happy", my ego is convinced that I suck at making choices - not realising that I made choices the wrong way..!  

Every time I think of buying anything (except for ordinary groceries) this awful process and habit starts. I google characteristics, prices, delivery costs, and so on and so forth. What might start with a spark of passion (historically mostly "a rational need") ends up as an analysis. A mechanical process (I symbolically bought the Steampunk Tarot yesterday). That lovely little spark of intuition gets quenched the second it comes to life. 

My intellect bulldozes my intuition, my feelings, my soul and my inner child.  
But the poor champ knows no other way. It's the way it's trained, it is what it always have done - it's what it has been praised for (and still is, society-wise). 

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So, now I sit here with bad conscience for both my poor well-trained intellect, and my neglected inner child and soul. Bad conscience (of course) rooted in fear. Fear that I wont be able to change these deeply rooted habits, on behalf of my soul and spiritual growth.

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My mind totally block my feelings. I KNOW about the "go inside and find the answers", but the "still voice inside" is buried so deep, and drowned. There are so much pent up feelings in between. I don't know where to begin - and my mind get lost in the infinity of options. This is why I started with Tarot decks - and why I have so many. They present to me a subject, a feeling, a situation, a task to focus on - the one most important ('according to higher powers with greater perspective') in the moment. It have helped me tremendously. It does not work with just one deck - my highly versatile mind immediately adopts, develops, anticipates and finds arguments. It needs to be 'confronted' with many different images, perspectives, interpretations continuously - to slowly open it up. And my soul certainly benefits from this kind of intuitive, universal, 'coincidental' support - slowly giving it it's voice back. 

The mind still have problems with "seeing the answers" in the cards, and accepting that everything is about NOW. About feeling, about growth, about awareness - in there, not out there. It's not about what, but about how - and also about when.

The mind somehow KNOWS that I should be able to feel when and what is right, but it gets terrified when it finally dares to turn inside only to be greeted by emotional chaos and a blocked heart!

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"...go inside and listen to your body, because your body will never lie to you. Your mind will play tricks, but the way you feel in your heart, in your guts, is the truth." (DonMiguelRitz)

That's the thing!! My mind have tons of tricks up it's sleeve(s) - and is well trained in covering up and bulldozing feelings, or analyse them into bits and pieces - according to it's own limited believes and experiences!!

"Back in caveman days (before smartphones, social media and Netflix), humans relied on their intuition or 'sixth sense'." (myprojectme)

"Perhaps you conceptually believe in an internal GPS, but you don't really understand it or how to access it." Something like that I guess! Or at least not comfortable with the process! "If you take the time to understand how your own internal guidance system functions, you can actually get to where you're going much faster than you would otherwise. As a result, your suffering is reduced and your joy and well-being is heightened." This is what I so badly know, and yearn for!

"ask your inner self which choice gives you a feeling of expansion. If your brain wants Bravo, but your inner guide expands and lights up at the thought of the meditation and quiet nap, then you've found the route straight from your inner GPS-the answer that more accurately aligns with what your inner being desires."

The Law of Expansion: Meaning, that which expands us makes us happier 

"Don't worry if you're not accustomed to turning within-as opposed to using an external device or person for guidance. It gets easier with practice."
(innerGPSmanual)

"The reality is when it comes to your IGS you never get a bad feeling about something or someone. You only get responses to what you are thinking." (zeninamoment)

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That being said (written) - I know I am able to change, transform and grow!
But as that requires emotional awareness, I have to be able to put the knowing aside (to my minds disapproval), and acknowledge my feelings that dispute that fact - based on previous experience, karma, believes, or this or that! 
There is a long journey to get from the head to the heart.

So, today I honour the feelings of sorrow and bad conscience for earlier behaviour. Today I honour the feelings of fear of not being up for the task.
Step one in change is intention. My intention is to change my outgrown and destructive habits - the ones hindering my spiritual growth, responsible development, and active participation in the evolution of conscious awareness.
Then there is the step of becoming aware of the habits - the ones that disrupt growth and the ones that promote growth. Where and when they appear. Which effects they produce. 
Then the path to change opens up. Once awareness is there I have the possibility to interrupt unwanted habits when they become active. No fighting them - just becoming aware, and choosing to not letting them control me and my life! I can drop what I do under the spell of the habit - and this way drop the habit itself in due time. 
Stopping the habit will of course cause reactions in Frightened Parts of my Personality, and emotions - which I then get the opportunity to feel, and know the source of - taking me closer and closer to emotional awareness - and wholeness!
Expansion!! 

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Regarding the disappearance of the previous text.
My mind got severely disrupted. It did not "fit my time schedule". I "had to leave now". It (I) was NOT in the mood to "do it all over again". Thinking I would have to "recollect everything". 
Anxiety!!!
Yes - mind totally bulldozing feelings, and reality..!
Time schedule you say? Why is it important to follow that one? Is it maybe just that I do not like sudden change to plans? How come? Why did I react so heavily over this unforeseen change? What if the universe has a much better plan for me - from a much, much greater perspective? Maybe (probably) it is just about testing my ability to cope with unwanted disruption? Maybe the universe gave me the best opportunity to reflect on my feelings, and ponder over my attachment to "plans"! 
And, why do my mind think I have to write the exact same thing!? Why does it bother me to "having to write it all over again"? 
Why do my mind keep intervene and short-circuit my knowing? I know that everything happens for a reason, the way it should, and that everything is exactly as it should, and so on and so forth - but in the blink of and eye the intellect pops in there with illogical and outdated conclusions and solutions! In a millisecond all kinds of old fears and Frightened Parts well up, and frenetically fight for the limelight! 

How peculiar!
What a smorgasbord of opportunities for growth! 

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Card: Ten of Pentacles
"The past yields returns, wealth, and prosperity. This is the time to build because the terrain is solid"

This evening it's again time for an inspiring live call with Gary and Linda!
It's such an awesome feeling to sit on link with kindred spirits - it gives strength to the loving parts of my personality, making the journey from the head to the a little bit easier :)

Deck #62: Infinity Tarot.