Ten of Swords, Gilded Tarot


It's not easy being happy and see beauty when you're not used to it! :)

Theme: "life is gilded/golden"

During my life I have built myself a really, really low limit regarding allowing happiness, and I quickly reach my Upper-Limit, where my ego and my Frightened Parts run to the fore.

"Have you ever noticed that right after you secure the dream job, find a great relationship, or finally feel as though you're at a place in your life where you're genuinely happy and have everything you need, that's exactly when you feel overcome with stress, worry, doubt and fear?" (article)

In my case it's not only "specific moments", it's periodically been all the time. 24/7. I guess a "professional" would have called it "depression". Which is a label I never been able to relate to. It somehow indicates that something either has happened to you (making you depressed) or that you are sick or broken in some way. I could never relate to that. I have felt heavy and dark, yes, but not sick or broken. And even though I (in desperation and lack of knowledge) have tried to manipulate my surroundings to "make it better", I've always felt it "coming from the depths". I never felt the feelings truly to be mine, but as they very obviously have appeared (to be) IN me, I got really confused - as seriously afraid of schizophrenia.

Most of the times in my life I've tried to ignore the feelings - as they CAN'T BE MINE!!
"I have everything I (ego) need - how the hell can I feel so bad!?" 
But very often they have totally dragged me down to those unnameable and mysterious depths they come from. 
They have always been there. I can't remember a one singe moment in my life where I have not felt their/its presence. 

Unconscious outlet of dark energies :)
Unconscious outlet of dark energies :)

So it's both some personal stuff limiting the happiness - the classical ego-habit-patterns-defence-survival-system - but also some weird inherited very heavy, very large, dark cloud below it. Like those black cloudy things you can see in movies. Or like those creepy creatures some of the children can see, or spew out, in Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. (and of course, in all movies the darkness have to be killed or fought (resisted)..! That's how society - fivesensory humanity - sees it, do it, teach it, know it!)
With knowledge and time I've come to think of it as the collective fear, doubt, frustration and anger - that for some reason have found me as a "portal". Why I sometimes have felt that my 'calling' might involve to be something of a 'Devil's Advocate'. A felt this strongly when I started listening to Debbie Ford - and her feelings regarding her 'calling'.

"I spent five years and $50,000 seeking out "the answer." I tried all of the spiritual information and transformational processes at the time. I did mind control, therapy, hypnosis, rebirthing, transformational seminars, Buddhist retreats, Sufi dancing, drinking wheat grass, hanging crystals over my head, and subliminal programming where I made tapes that would affirm over and over that I was kind, I was loving, I was peaceful and I was happy. I tried any method of healing I came across. But still, after five years, a lot of money and traveling to all parts of the world, when I got quiet, I realized that I still didn't like parts of who I was. I didn't feel good about myself. I judged myself and I judged others. I blamed myself and I blamed the world. The peace that I believed was possible was something that always eluded me. Prayer gave me a glimpse of the powerful journey from fear to faith. I knew that there was a level of consciousness available to all of us, a place that would allow us to love ourselves for who we are. My search led me to understand what it is to be a human being, why we suffer, why we have this noise in our minds if it isn't what we should be listening to and why we chase things in the outer world instead of listening to our own guidance and intuition in our inner world. My fascinating with that exploration as well as a conversation that Deepak Chopra was having about how we are a microcosm of the macrocosm led me to look for an explanation that existed outside of traditional psychological theory. I started praying for emotional education and spiritual wisdom. And it was in one of those divine moments when I realized how to embrace the world within me." (debbieford.com)

As long as I've tried/try to avoid not only my feelings, but also this "indescribable fear and darkness below it" I will never be/feel whole. 

But hey, one step at the time!
I think I have to start (continue) with the personal everyday level. When I become strong and stable on that level - the rest will follow!
So, for now I let that heavy collective cloud just be a part of what I practice detachment from. Acceptance that it is there , and that it - in fact - isn't mine! 
(But as I so strongly feel it to be sort of "channelled" to me I cannot but believe that there's some assignment for me connected to it, like helping others cope with darkness and the unknown)


Anyhow, Cards!
It's not easy for a beginner to be happy!
When you are used to succumb to fearful thoughts and engage in inner dialogues questioning your right to be happy, it's quite exhausting to just lean back, watch, and patiently listen. There's A LOT of chatter and pretty useless thoughts going, leading nowhere..! It is challenging being outside the comfort zone (which is the zone of questioning, squabbling, resisting, solving, debating)! It takes energy - but energy spent SO much better than on the comfort-zone-habits! It generates a TRUE sense of peace - not the temporary satisfaction of "solving" something, or "getting your will through".
It takes time - there are many thoughts wanting to be heard.
It takes patience and courage - there are equally many thoughts that must not be "answered, questioned, defended or explained", but only listened to.
It's exhausting to do nothing ;) 

My ego slowly adapts, but still finds it confusing that oftentimes the most productive and correct thing to do is: NOTHING (in the right way, that is :) )!
And it can be extra challenging to do it when you're surrounded by individuals who always want to do something - just like you used to!

But the peace coming from doing this - WOW!

Until the next moment, when something else happens, and new thoughts arise - and a new cycle begins ;)
But each and every cycle it gets easier.
Each and every cycle I get stronger (from Authentic - not external - Power).
Each day my capacity and endurance to see, feel (and be)  the beauty (Gilded Tarot) of life in every situation , every person and enjoying it (instead of question/doubt it/them) becomes greater and stronger!

Ten of Swords - reversed
"not a fortune to be changed or avoided, only endured: If you stay strong, new dreams can be built from the ashes." (trustedtarot)
"Finally, the Ten of Swords reversed can appear as a welcome sign that the pain and sadness you have been feeling is ending. When upside-down, the swords in the man's back look to be falling out, releasing him of the pain and hurt he has been suffering. You are releasing the memories of the past and allowing yourself the opportunity to move forward with a sense of renewal and hope for the future." (biddytarot)