Ten of Wands, Royo Dark Tarot

11.02.2022

Annoyed you can't see your future?! Me too ;)

A lifelong annoyance (and challange) for me!
I've never felt any particular calling. Never really known what my true passion is.
And I have NO images in my head - neither involuntary or voluntary.
So 'leaving it to the imagination' or 'visualize it' just aren't options. #aphantasia
So how the hell to set up goals?!

'I want to be happy' - my only deep goal ever.
An answer that didn't crush it in job interviews(!)

Why I've always felt comfortable 'being in school'. Because then there's an agenda, a schedule, a plan!
But at each graduation.
Now what?

Are goals necessary?
I guess not, because then I would have "been given some"?!

Sure, I can "come up" with goals (and wishes and wants), and did so the first 33 years of my life.
But I Really Don't Know/Feel What's Best For Me (I have a 180 degree twisted horoscope and some inbuilt oppositions "disturbing the process") - which dawned on me 2013, when I was 33.
"I have exactly everything I thought I wanted and 'planned', but a boyfriend, but I'm really not happy" I realized. And so deeply felt that a boyfriend wouldn't change this a bit.
I was so clearly on the wrong path.
But I had NO idea why, and what to do. I knew NO other path.
And no one I knew, knew no other path.

Enter: Tao Te Ching, C.G. Jung, Dream interpretation, Horoscopes, Tarot.
I had to figure it out myself, as no one seemed to have any answers - and didn't even understand the questions I had (have)!

I am truly configured for 'living in the present', and solely focus on becoming the best version of me.
My Ego/head hate it!
I WANT to have goals/visions like 'ordinary people'.
I want physical tasks to just DO. 
Mostly: I so wish that what I Want made me 'feel good' - but it rarely does..!
I only feel deeply satisfied when I 'let everything go and be'.
My head still don't accept that - wishing this 'phase' to be over.

Deck: Royo Dark
Theme: "frustration"
Card: C10 R
"Looking at the bright future"

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