The Moon, Gill Tarot

07.06.2020

Theme: a rather personal deck for me, symbolising "the true me" in a way hard to explain.

It's very striking that it appears today <3

(When I bought this deck it was a hard do fetch discontinued deck, which I struggled a bit to get my hands on, and I paid quite a bit for it. Now it's in print again, by popular demand, to a muuuuch lower price than I paid! :) 
A lovely deck with powerful keywords written on the Minors, and there's an equally lovely book written to it - which now seems to be the one hard to get.)

Card: The Moon
"The Moon represents the evolutionary path of humanity, who is seen as a crab climbing laboriously from the water. All forms of created life, animal, vegetable and mineral, may be a part of the evolutionary spiral upwards. This is symbolised by the moon drops, which show the myriad forms of life raining down on earth. The crab has a soft center protected by a hard carapace. In losing this rigid shell it becomes vulnerable, and the blood on the path shows the suffering involved in the process of shedding outworn forms while travelling on toward the unknown."
"...even the most primitive parts of the psyche must travel the path."
"The deeply buried part of yourself is in evolutionary movement, causing powerful feelings or disturbances."

***

I'm laboriously trying to encircle the core of my, since many weeks, triggered inner chaos. Of course the core is fear. But fear of what? Based on which outdated false beliefs? 
And I've had the hardest time disengaging from these particular fears, as they have been sleeping, dormant and festering inside me for so long and then suddenly exploded awake and overwhelmed me.  
It's been ridiculously hard to disengage and not react on behalf of this paralysing fear, and at the same time have the courage not to look away from them. Many are the times I've cursed the fear, hated it, deeply desired for it to go away. I've hated 'being me' many, many times the past months - as I've done so many times before. Something I'm hopefully facing once and for all now!   
Because, in-between these dips there grows a deep gratefulness. Deep, deep trust and gratefulness. In between the dark moments - as I'm learning to just be in them, and allow them to be, and vanish of their own through being acknowledged and not judged - I receive and feel guidance in a way not really experienced before (but deeply yearned for). Each time I've sat through a storm of fears in awareness, acceptance, non-judgement and trust in the process - some sort of sign, gift, door has been shown to me. 
Each time I listen to, but don't follow the advice of my Frightened Parts I'm "rewarded" in some way. 

***

Many are the times that I in my head have cursed the meeting with unlikely man who "came from nowhere" into my life and aroused all these insanely painful fears that have been sleeping or only half awake for so long inside me.
But of course, in retrospect it's certainly not out of nowhere. There's such a clear path to this point and place if I turn around and look at my life and my steps. And it's in remarkable alignment with the stars, astrologically speaking. 
And, last but not least - as I slowly heal my pain all my curses more and more transform into a deep gratefulness that this man appeared - that life brought him to me. Each moment I manage to stay centred and focus on what he is here to teach me and what I am given the opportunity to heal, "in here" - rather than what my ego want or doesn't want to happen "out there" - my gratefulness grows, and my "expectations" fade. Each time I become friends with past painful experiences and beliefs and begin creating new ones, my trust in the universe deepens and true unconditional love fill the places where fear have resided for so long. 
I'm so deeply grateful that life put this wonderful man and soul on my path.

***

The appearance of this deck, and the final meaning "The deeply buried part of yourself is in evolutionary movement" hits me deep.