The Sun, Girlfriend's Tarot

16.01.2021

This again.
A deck suggesting being a girlfriend - in one way or another.
Here I am, wondering what hell I'm doing, when all I do is give, give, give, and I "little or nothing in return". Yesterday I even got a fairly painful bill, feeling like the final blow, making me really wonder "how long I can stand it". What am I doing here? Why?
And then I get this deck.
What will it say?
I just can't take another "stay strong", "continue giving".
It would be rather nice to get a "let go" though, based on the very, very strange tiredness I'm feeling.
Haven't "logged in on Facebook/messenger" for more than 24 hours, after a really active period, happily and lovingly wishing everyone a lovely day and such each and every morning. Suddenly I just didn't have the energy for it. Not really because of a "self-pity there's no use", "I'm not getting anything", but because it suddenly doesn't even feel right. I suddenly feel a strange need to "back off". In one sense "to lick my wounds", but even more in a "to take care of myself" sense. No one else will - apparently - not do it. And shouldn't. It is my own responsibility. But feeling a little of the "lick my wounds thing", as my ego really wished that "someone" would take care of me. Or at least "do what he says". 

The "empty words" hurt. How can you "do" this to someone you love? Why are you punishing me for things that others have done to you? Why do I come last?
Because I'm, in a peculiar way, rather certain that he really and truly loves me.  
But equally certain that he (to a great extent) really, really doesn't know either how or why he acts the way he does - but it's painfully obvious that he feels it.

But although "feeling hurt", "mistreated" and extremely tired, or drained even, I'm feeling a new kind of calmness growing. I feel deep transformation going on.
I know that's where my energy goes - and that's the reason why I'm so tired.
Why I'm withdrawing, and feeling the need for it.
Why I'm - again - glad that "his plans evaporated". 
Why I'm glad I'm not on my first fishing trip right now
Because I need this time for myself. 
To just...be.
And let the transformation occur.
Just like the caterpillar in his pupa, waiting to become a butterfly.

A part of me is afraid that he will wonder were I went.
That he will be afraid that I've went away and become silent.
What will he think?
Shouldn't I... do or say... something?
But a deeper and wiser part of me knows that he(s soul) knows. 
That he's still there.
That everything is perfectly fine and just as it should.

***

I did another cool check-up yesterday. When laying there partly feeling "neglected" and not "getting anything for my giving". The ego saying I'm only getting challenges, punishments and bad treatment - and must be doing something or a lot of things wrong - the Soul saying I'm doing absolutely everything I should and can, and that I am receiving exactly what I need, in the form of Valuable and Necessary Lessons for further development. That I am NOT being punished or "badly treated", but only challenged and pushed to grow and develop - for the sake of myself, and for the sake of humankind (to be a little bit lofty).
I formulated a question going something "What I'm I here to receive in this lifetime?", already assuming the answer wasn't going to show "material stuff", and probably not even something anyone else can give.

Wow. According to this - and as I'm feeling more and more - I'm here to receive "The Intuitive Wisdom of the Soul".
And that is certainly not something someone else can "give" me.
But others can - and do - help me by trigger my weak spots, "push my buttons" and behave in complex ("bad") and unpredictable ways...
So from this perspective I have really found the right place, with the greatest teacher of them all living only 700 meters away - leading me the straightest way to my soul's wisdom!

***

So, what did the Card of the Day have to say on the subject of being a Girlfriend?!

Card: The Sun
"No need for tanning lotion, because when the Sun card shines on you, you're looking at a major success, health, happiness, simple joy and warm relationships."
But what if I received it reversed..?
"...it may indicate that you've been burned by somebody you counted as a friend or that you'll have to wait awhile for some satisfaction that you thought was already overdue."
All this is true in one way or another..!
In line with all I have written above there's certainly reason to celebrate and to give thanx to the one I'm being a girlfriend (in one way or another) to - as he leads me to my soul, and really (unknowingly) inspires me to complete myself.
Partly by "burning me" (over and over) - quite striking that the above image features matches..!
But still I have a (growing) sense that there is (more) satisfaction to come. Overdue if looked on with rational, traditional and critical eyes - right on time if looked on with the eyes of the soul.

***

So, how can I facilitate this transformation I feel that I'm in?
(Yesterday I got an advice saying "Be Good to Yourself". Why I decided to "withdraw from everything" and focused on being (in the moment) - which went amazingly well (tired as I was), and felt very right, despite a lurking anxiety of worry and uncertainty.)

Deck: The Good Tarot
Card: 2 of Earth ('Two of Pentacles')
"Pleasurable work, adaptability, balance between work and play"
"My efforts bring me joy. Play and work are not separate, because what I am doing is actually fun. If conditions change, I can switch gears easily. I am fully present in the excitement of creativity and am eager to experience the surprises that occur when seeds I have planted take root, sprout, and develop in unexpected ways. This is a time for flexibility and trust in how the universe will shape what is coming into being. One way or another, my dreams manifest in the material world."