Two of Sky, Mystical Cats Tarot

30.05.2020

Theme: mystical/spiritual integrity

I've been travelling for some days.
So tired. So tired. 
Not sleepy tired.
Just tired.
Feeling empty, unmotivated and lost.

In my last dream before waking up yesterday I was in New York. (I've never been there in "real" life) It was a strange continuation of another dream,but I felt like I had just about arrived. It was evening, not super late, maybe around 18-19. 
I was now looking for the place I was going to stay the night, feeling rather dislocated. I was in a totally new country, in a new place where didn't know anything. Which I knew would be distressing, why I had prepared with a room booking in beforehand, just to know I would have a place to stay the first nights. So great to have a place to go to - but where was it? I didn't feel super distressed and panicked - as it wasn't that late (still bright outside), and I knew I had some preparations made - so I think it was more of an out of control feeling, being in a place knowing no one and nothing. Lost as in really not knowing what to do, and what direction to go in. It felt like i didn't have a map, like knowing the address to the hotel wouldn't help.
But I picked up the phone anyway to at least look at my booking, and get some more information on where the place was located, and reassure myself about my preparations.
When I open the booking confirmation I see that it for a place in Helsinki (Finland), and that it is for two days in 2015!!!
Have I already paid for this?? (of course one of my first thoughts is about money...sad)
How the hell can a system accept a booking for dates already passed??
Where should I stay now?!
Still not overwhelmingly stressed, still more the out of control/being in a foreign place feeling, and great confusion over "how is this possible", "it really shouldn't be".

I woke up a bit dizzy and uncomfortably disoriented (seldom do that) - packed my car and drove home. 
I have some serious "landing" to do.

I have to "find a place to stay" in all that is happening. In this "new place/world" I have entered (New York). This place cannot be found through merely "Hard Work" or "life is tough - be tough" - sisu (Finland). But this "survival living/thinking" is what I am raised in, believed and have lived according for the greater part of my life - and I was "good" at it (Helsinki - the capital of Finland). I don't believe in this any more. But the old (2015) patterns still have tight grips on me. 
I so deeply "wish I was stronger" ("had more sisu").

I so wish I didn't have these two uteruses - which have "caused me so much pains and troubles".
I so wish I had greater mental endurance. That I had the capacity to hang around people for more than 3 days. 
I so wish that my Egos wishes and desires where more in line with the needs of the soul.
I so wish it didn't require so much focus, presence and energy to "be myself" around others.
I so wish I had an "easier (and funnier) configuration/life task". 
I SO wish I knew what my life mission was... Now it feels like everything I'm doing (in the "other" life is wrong/meaningless...)
Will I ever "become stable enough"???
Or - I so wish that my Ego wasn't so strong, loud complaining, and... Finish :)
It keeps booking 'em old rooms!! 
How is it possible?!?!
Man, growth (acceptance) is slow. 

***

Card: Two of Sky ('Two of Swords')
"The presence of other cats is detected on the wind. Are they friend or foe? The Sky Cat lifts his head and focuses all his senses to discern more carefully. The next move he makes is determined by the information he gathers now. If he strays into a hostile cat's territory, the consequences could be dangerous. Until he knows more, he stays right where he is."
The Cat's advice. "Stay still and get your bearings before you take any action. This may require patience, but it will be worth it. Dashing off to pursue vague inclinations will not lead to anything. Gather more information, pay attention to details, and trust your instincts to tell you the safe and successful course of action."