Two of Swords, Ellis decK

09.01.2021

Theme: "I wish I wanted"

Example: "I really wish I wanted to paint".  and create. As in; I have some sort of talent for drawing and painting with watercolours, and crafting, and often feel somewhat pleased afterwards, so I really, really wish I enjoyed it more..! But I just...don't. There's no true passion in it - hence "I wish I wanted". 
There's a lot I wish I wanted!
In my sometimes desperate search for My Passion there's a lot I've pretended to, in a "fake-it-til-you-make-it" style, like - because I really, really wanted to feel passionate about it, and because I thought "some kind of talent for it" says I should and could. 
Oh, how many times I've "Wished I Wanted".

But everyday it becomes more and more evident - it's not WHAT I do, it's how, when and where. 
It's the process. It's the growth.

So, when panic befalls me, there's not "a thing" I can do - it have do be "the right thing". 
Different every time. 

Now panic has arisen in me. In a most uncomfortable way. I feel disturbed in my peace. Disturbed in my joy. Invaded. 
But of course no one can disturb or invade - I have let someone disturb and invade me.
Or, not so much that - something in me have (again) been triggered by someone behaving in a way I disagree with. Behaving in a way I don't understand. And "because I don't know why".

What the hell do you want me to do?!
What the hell do you want me to say?!
What the hell do you want from me?!
Leave me the hell alone!!!
...my panic, and fear, screams.

"Stop whining and pour your shit over me!"
Or else, "tell me what you really want (from me)!"

I really, really, really don't want this type of energy in my life.
But there it (he) is.
What to do?

Although in a way it's "the same thing all over again" there's strangely a new kind of panic arising.
The fight-or-flight feeling is strong. 
Leaning a lot towards flight, as I have just "managed to set myself free" in a joyful and pleasant way!

But, I somehow believe neither is right, and that there are many lessons left to learn for me - about me - in this "matter". If not now I will have to face it later, in some other context.
Better soon than later I guess...

I SO wish I wanted to face it (myself) :)

It's - of course - not the other, not the words, not the situation, it's all about my reactions to it.

It's not about problem solving, about doing anything special, or about saying anything particular - it's about regaining my calm - in face of old/new challenges. 

***

Card: Two of Swords
"In one of his early battles, the page faced a blind villain who practiced a two sword technique. He had faced her many times, never sure how to defeat her. This was the first time his training had failed him, because nothing about her technique was orthodox. He could not read the eyes of his opponent, and did not know how to anticipate her attacks. Finally, when he closed his eyes the answer became clear. Using his pet crow to distract her with ceaseless noise, he got close enough to best his foe."
"...represents a point of stagnation, or a false balance. What we know up to a certain point is not enough, but we may believe it is. Until we can open our eyes to the true situation, we will be held in place by our preconceptions."