Two of Swords, Hermetic Tarot

11.06.2020

Theme: abstract, complex

"The tarot is a perfect symbolic picture of the cosmos as seen through the eyes of man. Tarot also reflects the many facets of man in his environment."

"The tarot is a mirror of reality"

And the Hermetic Tarot is a rather complex (kabbalistic) mirror - hence representing "abstract, complex". Sort of a reminder that "it's OK that you don't understand everything and/or it's currently a situation (or question) with (too) many intertwined parameters for you to find any clear answers (to your satisfaction), so don't break you back (head, or other body part) trying". A reminder that it's OK that things feel a bit out of control and out of my hands. Everything is OK as it is. 

A reminder to remain (or become) patient. Let things unfold. Not trying to rush or push for answers - as that would most certainly push things further away, and/or end up in getting answers not wished for or things unfolding in an "unpleasant" way. Like trying to pull up a sprout from the ground instead of patiently caring for it, watering it, watching it - grow. 

I've been in the Patience Class for most of this life in the Earth School. But as I always had a high percentage of absence from those lessons, so I'm still repeating first class I think :)
It's certainly an old (outgrown) habit of mine to push for answers and solutions when I'm uncomfortable in my own skin - which historically have been the case OFTEN. 

I've certainly lived with the belief that "changing my/the circumstances will change how I feel". Now I very much now that's not the case, but this particular pattern and habit is ridiculously sticky and deep - I realise. I know I can't "make it go away" by changing something around me - but instinctively I want to change or "sort things out". I know that things and people around me only trigger something inside me, and that I have to face the triggered and not get lost in the different triggers. 
I've come a long way, for sure, and I can handle uncertainty better and better, but with different kinds of "outer pressure" different versions of these old habits show themselves. 
I do think I've lessened the desire to change the triggers, now it's more about the desire to "get more information". Knowing what others think. Why, what and how. In some kind of old belief that it would help me to know these things. I feel hampered when I don't know these things. I feel very little "blame" (unlike before in my life) but feel hampered and powerless - hence the habit of pushing for answers (information) awakens - as it's very uncomfortable to feel powerless and "stuck". 
Which of course is only a matter of perspective!
I'm neither hampered or stuck - I just am, and things are just the way they are.
I get exactly the information I need, when I need it. Desiring more and wishing things to be different is what generates the feeling of powerlessness and stuckness. Not accepting the Now always comes with unpleasant feelings of some kind!

Patience.
Reverence for life.
I (my Ego/my head) might think that this or that answer/information is a/the solution, I (my Ego/my head) might think that this or that action is a/the solution - but what if it's not?
What if there are important parameters that I don't see/know?
What if the situation is larger/more complex than I can comprehend?
What if I can't intellectually know what's best for me (which I really and deeply know I don't..!)?
What if the Universe does (which I also deeply know)?
What if there are other people(s feelings and perspectives) involved (which there always are!)? 

***

(To my dissatisfaction I admit) I don't dream that much nowadays and only remember a few scenes per night. Mostly mildly annoying scenes, or just plain, neutral ones, giving me rather little information. Tonight was pretty much the same, but there was some strange transplantation of skin and going through some kind of operation involved. I remember very strange feelings. Feeling out of control, in someone else's hands. It was a male "doctor" with only slightly familiar face. I write doctor in quotes because it wasn't in a hospital, and a very undefined situation on the whole. I remember that I was asked to chose where I wanted to have a/the seal of the wound, and I remember there was an actual bolt involved (size about M15). The area I remember was below my right breast.
I remember feeling left out. I felt out of control, not sure what I was asked to decide, why, what the procedure was for, and what consequences of my choices would be - hence I found it really hard to answer and/or make a decision. This was amplified by the intimate nature of it all - close to my breast. I certainly wanted to make the right decision as it was so personal and close to me - but that the choice also would be revealed to a potential partner. 

***

Card: Two of Swords - Lord of Peace Restored
"Strength through suffering. Pleasure after pain. Balanced force. Contradictory characteristics in the same nature. Arrangement of differences. Unselfishness."