Two of Swords, Royo Dark

13.01.2021

Theme: "anger, frustration"

Not super surprising that this deck comes up...
Lots of bubbling irritation, anger, resentment, and such.
Acutely angry 4 days ago. Poured the worst of it (consciously) over some close ones. Not AT them that is - but I released the pressure by "naming and acknowledging my anger" - letting it say its meaning and such - knowing I am not my anger. Then I managed to transform it to gratefulness, to such a degree that I totally forgot that I was angry, and why...! Never happened before - especially not with that amount and intensity of anger.
Not more than 12 hours later I "got both massive rewards and new challenges". Rewards that had challenges attached.

So, the Two of Swords inspires me to reflect on this.

I think that it might be so that I haven't really reflected over these particular challenges yet.
I knew the "reward" would me a momentary one, and that it would be followed by a "setback" or rather, "back-fall". He falling back - me challenged to face my reactions.
So far I've avoided to reflect over my latest reactions. I've somewhat lazily ignored them, and waved them of as "I knew they would come, and I already know why"...
But more rightly it's maybe more like "I don't know more what to do". "This again". "Now what?" "I might as well just go about with my life".
But I realise it now. It's time to put aside "chores" (house 6) and again go within and re-establish a sense of inner peace (house 12). As Solar Return North node requests
The angry feelings wont go away by themselves. 
"Justified" reactions - but reactions nonetheless. My reactions being the things to focus on - not him, or "my right to feel angry" because of this or that "treatment". Extremely annoying to the ego, which really, REALLY wants to focus on the "treatment" part.
It's just that I KNOW that the so called bad treatment is, to a great extent, involuntary. And to an even greater extent, unconscious - in so many perspectives. That he feels more crappy than I do. Because he is more "separated" than I am - and have no clue about it. And no tools to "fix it".

SO often the ego (and people around me) wonder, why don't you just "put your foot down"? Why do you keep exposing yourself to this? Why don't you SAY SOMETHING?!

Yes, why?!
A justified question.

The easiest answer: it feels wrong. 

I would lie if I said that my choices and choice of path feel super right all the time, but in each and every moment I do what feels most right - not meaning that my choice always feels good. At least not in the moment. But choosing what feels most right always comes with some sense of feeling good - which choosing wrong never does. Wrong choices are and have to be justified in the head - justifications that never convinces the heart. Right choices - despite making no sense to the head - typically feel good in the core of your being, even if nowhere else. And that's "all that matters".

So again. "Put my foot down", "express my anger/dissatisfaction" or "just say something" all feel wrong. Mostly because I highly dislike being reactive. I hate being angry. I hate conflict. Not meaning that I'm afraid of conflict - I've been in, and initiated, SO many conflicts in my life. And I can truly say that I HATE the feeling that comes with it. 
Sure, sometimes it "solves the issue" - but never without some sense of residue resentment and such. There's always some thorn of pain left. No matter how much you "settle things" and "talk things through/out". There's always some trace of betrayal in there, and some removal of trust - no matter how little, it's there. 

I've been in so many conflicts in my life - because I've always had so much conflict IN me. I'm pretty much configured that way.
In so many ways therefore, I feel I'm done with outer conflicts - mostly just projecting triggered reactions within me.

Why am I then suddenly in this situation, exposed to so insanely many opportunities for conflict?!?!

For practise and growth of course!

The situation I'm in did certainly not come by accident or coincidence. I was lead to this spot on the Earth by intuition and genius guidance from the universe. And the person in question appeared in a very peculiar way on my property one day not long after arriving at this particular place. 

A quick check with the Javanne Tarot:

We're not in each other's life for conflict.  

I'm in he's life to evoke intuition. "A sun angel to light up awareness". Inspire him to become aware of intuition and the voice of his soul. (I can't MAKE him listen to his intuition and soul - I can only inspire him and try to shine my light on him)
He's in my life to help me get out of old mental patterns still lodged in there. Trigger reactions that I used to try to solve in an "outside manner" ("make the other understand and change" - often involving some sort of conflict) - but better should deal with inside, by help of listening to my feelings and intuition - the "blue star energy". The swords in my back is not him stabbing me - they are my own thoughts and inner conflicts causing me pain.

So, in some sense I guess he has some sort of purpose in my life as long as he triggers anger and frustration in me...!?!
And as long as I seem to effect him in the above way - more aware and lightened up, and more connected to soul.

***

Card: Two of Swords
"The equilibrium of mental forces."

***

"Difficult decisions, weighing up options, an impasse, avoidance."
"The woman in this card wears a blindfold, indicating that she cannot see the entirety of her circumstance. You may lack the information you need to make the right decisions." I've been acting a bit automatically the last couple of days. Just doing things I thought should be done - ignoring my feelings of irritation. Waving them of as "already handled". But when receiving this card I was reminded that these irritated feelings had to be addressed - or they wont go away. I became acutely aware that I can't just go about with my day. Because un-addressed the feelings of anger and the accompanying negative energies will stick to everything I do and get stuck in muscles. And sooner or later leave me feeling in a stuck place. Because the universe will freeze the progress until I do my homework (reflection), and refrain from doing what my (angry) head thinks should be done - which now is the wrong choice/decision - as that would be acting with blindfold on. 
In order to make right decisions I have to restore inner peace - which has nothing to do about others or their actions - no matter how blindfolded THEY are. 
I have to get MY blindfold of, and face my anger and frustration, before doing anything else or more.
"Once you remove the blindfold and see the situation for what it really is, you will be in a much better position to find your best path forward."
"It is also possible that the woman in the Two of Swords has intentionally chosen to put on the blindfold... Are you trying to hide from a challenging situation... hoping that if you ignore it long enough, you won't need to worry about it? Unfortunately, the issue is unlikely to resolve itself, and the longer you delay, the longer you will prolong this present situation." I've admitted it already - stop rubbing it in!!! ;)