W1 + P5, Sirian Starseed + Silicon Dawn

08.12.2019

Theme: "if the (collective) unconscious could speak" + "the world as 'I' see/feel it"

CARDS

Ace of Flames ('Ace of Wands')
Flames:
"...the spark that ignites the flame of the soul, the fire within us, through which we aspire to greatness of spirit and creation."
"The suit of the flames is the noble quest - the search for higher meaning of life."
Ace:
"...speaks of important new beginnings..."
"Where does your true passion lie? What is the guiding light that is illuminating your path?"

(Recognise the torch!? Maybe because it appeared manifold in one of yesterday's cards!)

Five of Pentacles - Strife
"They're talking about me. I just know it. Arguing about how horrible I am." "

_________________

So, the Olympic torch is definitely lit - somewhere in the unconscious - and I'm eager to run up the path, hurry on along the way (yesterday's card) as I feel I "know The Way".
I can feel the warmth from the (fiiiiinally) lit fire, and I'm eager to act on it. Because if it is for my greater good - from the core/soul that is - it's also for the greater good (the collective) --> it's my passion, it's an assignment I'm created and configured for - it's my calling, calling!
"Run Forrest, Run!"

But - as yesterdays card also mentioned: the foundation needs to be strong enough. 
There are still some old patterns left to work through, and finally leave behind.
The one pictured above, to the right, being a central bothersome one.

The feeling of being left outside. The feeling of being talked about, not talked to. Or, not being talked about or to at all! The feeling of being uninteresting, unimportant.
Why is it that no one seems interested about these things (life itself, awareness and consciousness)?
How come friends and close ones aren't curious to now more about who I really am - and instead seem to prefer their own view of me, and somehow that I stay as close to that view as possible?
Why are people so afraid to look at, and really get to know themselves and others - beyond appearances, havings and doings?
It baffles me that people in general seems blind to the fact that we're nothing but tiny specs on a round globe spinning around in a vast, huge, enormous space - governed and controlled by fathomless forces far, far beyond our comprehension - and nonetheless try to convince themselves that they can "have control" and "understand". 

_________

So I have felt all my life. Outside - even when "physically inside", together with or among others. Because my core was always left out of the conversation. 
But I didn't know that, how and why - then.
Now I do.
I now also know that the only person that has to see, trust and honour the core is - ME! 
I now know that the only person that can make me feel truly satisfied is - ME!

But knowing isn't the same thing as being and doing - that's painfully obvious!

Damn!! 

_______

I've taken many and big steps towards my core. I can really feel the lit fire inside. I have a growing sense of deep calmness, anchored in the depths of my being. 
But every now and then the ol' ego rises and resists - every little chance it sees it takes. Reminding me of old wounds and feelings. Old failures and shortcomings. What I should or shouldn't do. How awful it feels not to be seen (by others). How awful it feels not to be accepted (by others). It rambles on about this and that.

How great then that neither emotions nor thoughts are who I really am! 
That they (at least the negative ones) are things arising when some old, more or less, buried fears are encountered and stumbled upon! Fears that need and must be acknowledged and let go - for true happiness, harmony and freedom ever to be possible! Or, its not only a possibility, according to my way of seeing life it's a responsibility to look deep and become the best possible version of yourself, every given moment. 

"we are evolving from a species that uses power as the ability to manipulate and control-external power-into a species that understands power as the alignment of the personality with the soul-authentic power. Our evolution requires each of us to make the values of the soul our own: harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for Life."
(The Seat of the Soul)

The more aware I get, the more obvious it is - this-feelings-and-thoughts-are-things-thing - and the easier it gets to just lean back and watch the spectacle of the mind. The inside shift, when "someone else" takes over is palpable!
(As mentioned on other places on this homepage I was terrified of the phenomenon of schizophrenia when I was younger - and well up in age. I was always highly aware of shifts, tilts and clearly separated strong forces inside of me - to my great dismay and (pretty much) constant horror. But at the same time something deep, deep down inside me knew everything was okay and alright - and I basically never had nightmares.)

on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on

It gets easier and easier to lean back and watch - easier, but it takes a lot of time. There are many (highly interconnected) shows going on at the same time, which have to be watched and processed, and my ego is quite a slippery bastard, with many strings on his lyre (as we say in Sweden)! Playing a chameleon for almost 35 years have given my ego quite the repertoire of tips, tricks, arguments and aces in its sleeve. It's quite the task to find yourself and your true core under the mountain of "things" the ego has collected, and proudly shows up every chance it gets.

It's easy to get impatient ("you know what you want, now lets run" - yesterday, left card), and it is work that trigger me (my ego) to feel outside, unimportant, insecure and "talked about" (today, right card).
And the horrible feelings of "letting others down", "making others disappointed" - all the while knowing that disappointment isn't something you can create in someone!!! That is a feeling the other (or you) already have inside that merely gets activated, and that the other (or you) chooses to believe and attach to, for some more or less unnecessary reason - fooled by the ego, old fears, and/or not wanting to let go of personal (narrow) perspectives! 
After all, disappointment is (too) a quite useless feeling to believe and cling to - unproductive, to say the least, and just pure waste of energy better invested elsewhere!

Decks #110 and #111: Silicon Dawn Tarot and Sirian Starseed Tarot.

(an in-depth review of Silicon Dawn, showing its quite special features)